Stream of consciousness personal ad

I am a MAN!

I play D&D. I play WOW. I play chess online (not very well). I go to the gym. I play basketball. I run on the subway. I run on the beach with my brother his papillon. I drive a Dodge STRATUS! Actually I drive a 94 Volvo wagon. I eat meat. I don't eat seafood. I eat fruit every morning. My cum tastes like pineapples. I think. Therefore I am. I am a secretary. I wear short skirts. I put out for cash. I wear no makeup. I just bought two books and a teeshirt from Penny Arcade. I am currently wearing a headset for the telephone. My car gets 20 mpg, IF I'M LUCKY! I just left a message that was way too long. I tend to ramble on voicemail. I just want to get everything in there. I have to make people laugh for 20 minutes straight. I don't know how I'm going to pull that shit off. I am on the 51st floor. I email too often. I think I can fly. I am Brian McKnight. Or Rick James. I'm six feet tall. Or 5'10" but I'm rounding up. My penis is six inches of white meat. I like bacon. Better than sausage in the morning. Jimmy Dean is an asshole. Do you want to date me?

i am a man...

I'll have the Comic Strip, medium rare

The Comic Strip Live is a hallowed club. They've got so many comic headshots on the wall from when they were brand new, it's hilarious to see Jim Breuer's glam shot or the shot of a hapless comic which Larry David stole from for his Curb Your Enthusiasm Season One cover art. I'm glad I got the chance to rock out there.

It was a fun show, with a lot of good comics on. The room was fantastic too, it was packed with a good mix of young NYU students and older gentlemen trying to sleep with said NYU matriculators. Either way, they seemed to laugh as soon as I stepped on the stage, and that's a good feeling for a comic. I could have taken an actual dump on stage and I think they would have gone bonkers. (Remember bonkers? They were great.)

I'm happy to say that I made my quota and all the management were very happy dudes. A big thank you to everyone who was able to come out last night. You are all the collective bomb!

I'm busy collecting tapes from all my recent shows and I'll be posting some snippets at www.gregtito.com. Check back there in the coming weeks, and leave a freaking comment people. Also, I'll be using an email contact service soon so that I'll be able to easily manage and add people to my contact list. And I have more events on the horizon. I'll keep you in the loop.

Thanks again!

Crunch Time

Why do I do this? I've booked a veritable buttload of bringer shows these last few months. Most of them have gone great. But I'm definitely feeling the burn of depleting my audience base. Which is why I need a bigger fan base.

Please people, gain more weight. I'll buy you some burritos.

Seriously, you're starting to look like a little too Kate Mossy for my tastes.

Greg At Comic Strip Live!

I got a big show coming up on Tuesday. I've never performed at the Comic Strip Live before and this is my chance to really impress the main booker there. It's kind of an audition, he will be watching everybody and picking his favs to perform there more regularly. But that's only if I get 10 people there to rock out for me.

So that's the dill. I need 10 lucky customers to call 212 942 9680 and make a reservation. Cover is 12 with a reservation, 15 otherwise, same old 2 drink minimum applies. I wish there was a way for you guys to come and not have to get wasted, but that's the way the game works.

I went to a comedy seminar last night at Gotham, it was pretty cool. There was the club owner, the head of the comedy division at Endeavor, and Jim Mendrinos, a comic who's been around for like 23 years. The three of them were very helpful. They told me everything I didn't know about tapes, how to approach agents, and what kind of crap they're looking for. It all sounded very exciting and I'm going to make a big push to do as much performing as I can.

But unfortunately, that means bringing the people. So please, if you got the willz you got the skillz to rock out, big comedy style, and pump those fists high. Arsenio!

Gotham et al.

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Friday and Subways

Here it is. Another week gone. woo.

I ride the subway here in New York everyday, sometimes four or 6 times a day (but always in multiples of 2). That's a lot of subwaying. I know many people hate the press and push of the masses on the trains. It can fucking piss you off. Like when all you want to do is get home, take your clothes off and veg in front of your media of choice, and there are about 5 million people in your way. But I love the subway. It's part of what makes New York the city it is. Where else are you bombarded with so much humanness?

Here is a non-comprehensive list in no particular order of the various characters I've observed on the MTA's New York City Transit:

• The Rabbit. These people know the exact door of the exact subway car which leads to the exact staircase they need to make the exact transfer. As soon as the door opens, they sprint out and run up the stairs willy-nilly, with no care for appearance or safety. I must confess that I am a rabbit. I run with the best of them, setting the pace for the pack. The rabbit hates to be caged in by the herd of cattle slowly marching up the stairs to their doom. The rabbit must run free.
• The Wall. Tall dudes, usually wearing puffy black coats, who stand in front of the subway car doors. The doorway is normally about five or six feet wide. When the Wall stands in it, suddenly the opening shrinks to two. And when there are two Walls (not an uncommon occurence) you have to push through like a baby pushing through a fat chick's vagina. No really, it's that bad.
• The Crazy Conductor. I've only encountered this once or twice in my career as a subway rider. Before the train announcments were automated on the newer cars, the conductor would get on the horn and shout out the current and next stops and end with the word "Standclearoftheclosingdoorsplease." As is common of MTA workers, though, most of the conductors had an outrageous foreign accent that only got magnified by crappy speakers. The announcements were unintelligble, and most subway veterans tuned them out. But once, while riding the L train under the East River, a conductor got on the mic with a message, "Don't just push and scrape onto the subway like animals. We are human beings, not cattle. Try to act like it." I'm sure that speech isn't exactly MTA protocol. Another time, I heard a conductor give out weather forecast information and his ironic predictions on the upcoming election. The smiling faces of the other passengers proved that this was a unique New York moment. I agree.

More subway characters to follow including but not limited to The Bitchy Mother, Subway Soundtrack , and Mr. I Just Crapped My Pants.

Gotham on Tuesday the 13th (good idea for a movie)

Comedy comes in threes. Which is why I'm I'm going to give you three reasons to come to Gotham next Tuesday.

1. I am kinda funny.
2. Chances are there will be other funny people there.
3. I like banana tunafish sandwiches smothered and covered with chipotle mayo served on an olive loaf. See what I did there?

See you at Gotham, the only comedy club that matters. (TM) (They should totally trademark that shit. Dibs!)

Gotham, 23rd bet 7th and 8th
Tuesday, March 13th
8:00pm$12 cover, 2 drinks
Call 212-367-9000 to reserve

nerd jokes

Watch this if you're confused.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oT9MTP_Tie0