Darrell Hammond has a fake nose

Thanks to everyone who came out to Caroline's last night. Darrell Hammond dropped by and Jessica Kirson closed the show. They were both freaking hilarious. My body actually hurt from laughing so much at Jessica's always funny shit.

I should be posting some video of that night soon, whenever I get the tape from the dude. It was mostly ruined by some ass-pirate calling out in the middle of the show, which flustered the poop out of me. But I actually got some decent laughs from making fun of him. That's the kind of shit I need to learn. How to deal with ass-pirates. It's not something that comes naturally to me. I should stop trying to duel them with my bronze cutlass.

My web 2.0 footprint

You tempt fate every time you Google yourself. That's a given. You may end up with some embarassing diatribe you wrote when you were in school and the internet was young, or may see baby pictures your mom decided to post on Flickr to get back at you for not visiting them last weekend. Or worse, you may find nothing at all. Is there anything more depressing than a blank page? In this internet web 2.0 culture, if you don't even rank in the first ten entries, you're nothing. That's sad. Sadder than the end of Bridge to Terabithia.

So I googled me recently and I gagged, or gaggled. Sure there are more mundane entires about theater productions I produced or movie contests I was a semi-finalist for. But there is a ton actually written about my writing. I mean, yeah, I've written a few gaming articles. And it may be cheating. The demographic of people who read articles about video games are probably also the kind of people who'd be likely to blog about said article. But still, I was surprised and more than a little happy about it.

At the risk of getting needlessly messianic, I'm linking the hell out of myself. Hell, everyone deserves a little self-promotion every once in a while.

http://mac.joystiq.com/2005/11/15/wow-player-analyzes-pvp-cruelty/

This well-known gaming blog posted this over a year ago and I'm just internet savvy enough to find just now. It even has over 30 user comments about what happened to me and my level 29 Night Elf Priest in Wow. I wish I knew when it came out so I could have posted some shit-talk back to some of these fuckers.

Here are some other bloggers chiming about crap I wrote for the escapist:

http://dubiousquality.blogspot.com/2006/06/gaming-links.html

http://www.qj.net/Science-fiction-and-games-go-together/pg/49/aid/70525

http://www.gamepro.com/community/profile.cfm?login_name=Lunchbox&blog_id=14073

http://tlundmark.blogspot.com/2005/11/in-end-there-is-just-no-point.html

And it's not just blogging people. I love that my words are now being used as if I am an expert. Some people are desperate for any promotional material, I guess. On this page, something I wrote about a game engine is used to sell it to other video game makers:

http://www.bigworldtech.com/company/testimonials_en.php

In perhaps the strangest link of all, here I am cited in some dude's law school paper on gambling in MMORPGs:

http://webpages.acs.ttu.edu/mmetheni/Internet%20Gambling%20and%20the%20MMORPG.htm#_ftn51

Scrolling up, the citation is on the following line,

These formal studies are in addition to the high volume of more anecdotal documented odd behavior[51] mirroring other parts of the real society in the Society.

It's crazy, people are using my shit to write their freaking papers?

Comedy Cellar Video

So my buddy was at the Comedy Cellar with me on Thursday and took some video of my set. Of course, he shot it in widescreen and the Youtube vid is in 3x4. That's why I might look a little stockier than usual. I mean I know the camera adds 10 lbs. and all but I don't think it's supposed to make you look like fucking Gimli son of Gloin. Anyway, check the video.



I hope to post more crap from all of the DVDs and VHS tapes (yes, i have them, they still exist) of my gigs over the last two years. Ian's a pretty good editor and I will soon sic him on those tapes like a pit bull on Anna Nicole Smith's diseased remains. Mmm, tasty.

new design

I was getting tired of the old template. What do you dudes think about this fancy green one? Hold your applause, please, please, I'll be available for autographs by the stage door...

And because I feel guilty just posting that little statement, here's a picture of a douche on a banquette:

Ah, videogames

So Rain Delay's got an interesting bit about videogames helping surgeons perform better. Well, duh. We're talking about manual dexterity here and any activity which reinforces the brain-hand connection will improve performance. Videogames, the first truly interactive medium, can and have been shown to actually help mental and physical development, despite being portrayed as a time-wasting endeavor. The news outlets, like the Fair and Balanced Fox news affiliates (who really believes that 24 interviews are news?), love to pick up the banner against any violent acts perpetrated by admitted gamers. "The videogames made them do it." It's the same that was said of the Beatles, Marilyn Manson, Ozzy Osbourne and Barney the Purple Dinosaur. The truth is that no song or movie or book or game can make someone commit awful acts of violence. Gamers are especially sensitive to this line of reasoning because they've seen such mindless discrimination from their mothers for years. But sometimes, this senstivity goes a little too far.

Take the case of the kid in Wisconsin who is in jail for murdering a homeless person. CNN ran an article about the case, highlighting a dangerous trend of sport killings amongst the kids of America. There have been many homeless people killed the last few years by teenagers, perhaps because of a lack of moral understanding and/or consequences by disposing of an unwanted member of society, ie. a smelly homeless dude. There is more to be said about the kid's sense of superiority over those less fortunate (most of the perpetrators are middle-class white kids) and the ability to exact their own perverted sense of justice. One could even argue that our country's stance on the world stage as a moral superior, able to wreak havoc on any state or individual for a perceived lack of character, is more to blame. Fuck Saddam, we're better, let's kill him. (insert "that smelly homeless guy" for Saddam and you'll get my point)

All of this would have passed my notice however if it weren't for one line in the CNN story.

Ihrcke told police that killing "the bum" reminded him of playing a violent video game, a police report shows.

That's it. One line in a 2000 word story. Who knew that one little throwaway jab at videogames would ignite such passion in the gaming community? At least 3 major gaming blogs have cited the CNN article as another attack against videogames. I agree with their stance. I laughed at the jokes at CNN's expense. Gabe from Penny Arcade makes a very funny rebuttal, citing the story claiming that one of the assailant's rubbed his own feces on the dead homeless man:

"[Rule #]4. Don’t take shit out of your butt and rub it on the hobo you just killed. To me this seems like the easiest lesson of all. My son is only two and already he’s coming to understand that “poops” belong in the potty. How did this kid get to the age of fifteen years old without learning this? Here’s how easy this one is:

Hey son, come here real quick.
Yeah Dad?
Don’t take shit out of your butt.
Sure thing Dad.

Done! How hard was that? What kind of crazy fuck takes poop from his butt and rubs it on someone?"

But I think the gamer reaction is a little extreme. I mean, the videogames thing wasn't even the lead on the CNN story. It was one line from a quote from the kid himself. Yes, that angle is overplayed in the media. Yes, that kid is a dipshit (or rather, a very smart dipshit) for bringing it up. But come on, let's not make a Jack Thompson case out of it. It seems that the gamer community is now guilty of some of the same inflammatory tactics that their opponents always use. Maybe it's worth it to muster this kind of outrage at every disparaging mention of videogames in the press. Maybe. But maybe if we start taking every quote from an obviously crazy fuck as a serious accusation against gaming, then we are also adding credence to that accusation. I'm just saying.

Videogames have enough demons to battle without creating new ones.

(And sometimes those demons threaten to destroy Azeroth and we have to travel through the Dark Portal to battle the Burning Legion on the shards of wasted Draenor. Yeah, I've been playing too much WOW again.)

And for those of you who still cling to the belief that videogames corrupt absolutely, read this letter from the stepmom of one of the teens jailed in the case. It's a crazy read.

http://www.penny-arcade.com/2007/02/21#1172088960

Caroline's

So this is it: the triumphant return to where it all began. I will be performing a set next Monday . There will be hilarity all over the stage at the fanciest club this side 23rd Street. And some of that hilarity might even be from me and my crazy monkey lovebone. What? You'll see.

This show is cheaper than ever before. If you call 212.757.4100 and say my name, say my name, the cover is only 5 bucks. Make sure you mention it's for the 7pm show. You still have to get 2 drinks, but is that really a problem for anyone on this list? Hello? I drink 2 drinks for breakfast. And then spend the morning pooping them out.

For all of you without the google love, here's the stat block:

Caroline's
1626 Broadway between 49TH ST. & 50TH ST.
Feb. 26th, 7pm
Cover is $5 when you reserve, 212.757.4100

I hope you roll a 20 and I see you there.

Myspace works!

So my buddy and I were gchatting the other day and he was like, I think this is someone we know. Tru nuff, I jump over to the "mah space" and see none other than my ex-wife smiling back at me. Julie (as we called her then, and which is very different from Julianne) played my wife in our high school's production of Lend Me A Tenor. If you don't know, (and why would you really?) ...Tenor is about a philandering Italian opera singer, Tito Morelli, and the crazy mixups that happen when he comes to New York. It's a farce people, slamming doors, mistaken identities, black-faced Italians, wait what? How did we not get shot for that?

Julie played the Mrs. Morelli to my Tito (I swear I got cast just so there weren't two Titos in the room) and we were always fighting. On stage, not off. We had such great Italian accents, too. Julie won the CTC award for Best Supporting Actress for that role. What did I win? A big sandwich stuffed with Fuck You. (Actually, I won the nerdiest quartet of awards: Best set and set design for both the play and musical that year.)

Back when I first moved down to the city, this would be the pre-911 summer of 2000, I randomly ran into Julie in Union Square park. I was on break from my first gig as a P.A. at the Century Center. She was an intern for VH1 I think. She was still in school and we had a moment of, Greg? Julie? Weird. What are you doing here? I always remembered that chance meeting as a Welcome-to-New-York-Moment, no matter that you are in this crazy new bustling city full of millions of random souls, you will still see people who knew you were a drama dork in high school.

So it was nice to see Julie's mah space page and think back to all the crazy shit we did in high school. (We didn't have sex, no matter what that previous sentence implies.) As I scanned her page, I realized that she is still in the city. Not only that, she's a fucking comedian. Or comedienne, as the case may be. I've been doing this for two years, and it's a pretty small community. I can't believe that we haven't run into each other at all. It's seems like it's reverse dumb luck. We used up all our coincidence juice when we saw each other in Union Square.

Myspace helped us out and fought through all that bad coincidence mojo. This is maybe the first time that I've used that crazy site for actual god-damned social networking, instead of just cruising for hot 13 year olds like I usually do. Maybe my friend Tom actually knows what he's doing. I dropped Julie an email and she shot back an invite to be on her show at the Broadway in March. Here's the skinny (I'll prolly send an announcement later on but here's a tidbit):

March 15th from 9:30 – 11pm at the Broadway Comedy Club (318 W 53rd Street).
Regular Cover, two drink minimum.

It looks like she's booked more of a variety show, with singers and improv groups (OH MY!), so if you're thinking you want a little change of pace in the comedy stylings you should come on down.

Greg at Broadway Comedy Club, Sat. 2.17.07 @ 7pm

The name has changed but the fun remains the same. I'm doing a set at the Broadway Comedy Club this Saturday at 7pm, which used to be called the Improv, which used to be called the Improvisation, which used to be an airplane hangar, which used to be my playground. The club is making a lot of changes and I'm excited to be going back there. You should be too. There are pros always stopping by. Last time it was Jim Gaffigan and he signed my hot pocket: "To Greg, Stay crusty, love, Jim."

Saturday, February 17th, 7:00 p.m.Broadway Comedy Club, 318 W. 53rd Street (Between 8th and 9th Ave)Cover: $15. Only $12 if advance reservation is made on VIP line: 212-252-4261
You are all Very Important People, so make sure you call the VIP line. For all that VIPness.

I also just booked some sweet gigs in March. I'll be at Gotham on March 13th and will be at the Comic Strip Live for the first time on the 20th.

I love the UWS

The little underground club was full of wonderfully attentive and easy-laughing folk. There were so many giggling girls, I nearly had to crowd-surf in order to even get to the stage. The adoration of so many fans, who merely desired the chance to touch a piece of thread from my garment, was overwhelming and more than a little bit erotic...

When did I lose you there? Yeah, so there was about ten people, half of which were my friends. It ended up being a decent show, at least for me. I had some new shit about this wedding I went to last weekend that I was glad worked.

After my set though, that's when it got weird. One guy tried to reverse-heckle me from onstage. Note to all you aspiring comics out there, don't try to save your show by making fun of the one guy who was able to muster a few laughs. Especially if he's in the audience. And then don't try to spend the rest of your time talking to said comic, then getting mad at him for trying to crack a joke. I had to put my hands up, "Just do your set, man." That only made him more mad. Everyone I was with was uncomfortable too. One of them said to him, "I'll say anything you want, just stop talking to me!" I think that sums everything up pretty well.

Bad Words

Every once in a while, I see some moron write something that inspires a scathing backlash essay. My friend sent me this link this morning from my hometown newspaper in Connecticut. It involves many things which I hold dear, UConn basketball, Gampel Pavilion, and swearing profusely.

http://www.theday.com/re.aspx?re=38838b92-4244-42b7-b2e5-26f16600ef92

Here is my response, which I just emailed to the writer:

To Mr. Mike DiMauro:

RE: UConn Students Cross Line With Crass Behavior

I'm a UConn alum now living in New York. I've been following Huskies basketball for over 16 years and have been reading your writing in The Day for just as long. During that time, I've noticed your writing style degrade into simple, easy topics which the common reader in CT can consume without having their senior-citizen-values threatened. The pinnacle of which is the article a friend sent me this morning about UConn fans cheering at a game at Gampel. The piece is so fraught with fallacies that I'm not sure where to begin. According to your article, you expected this kind of a response, so I felt it was imperative that I indulge you.

The basic premise of your article is that you wish UConn fans, and sports fans in general, would resist the urge to cheer for their team. Or at least, they should only cheer in the way that you find acceptable. As long as we keep everything PG, the world is a better place. I whole-heartedly disagree with that attitude.

Today's organized sports grew out of the bloodsports of history, from Roman gladiatorial games to medieval jousting and combat. Watching the death of a criminal by hanging or otherwise was a common activity up until the 20th century. We, as a culture, have grown away from such profane entertainments, but there still exists a need in the human psyche for such exploits. We are fascinated by the unhealthy contest, the bitter struggling of individuals against any and all opponents. Our current fixation on reality TV proves this.

What does this have to do with UConn basketball? The contest of the two teams on the court can become an orgiastic experience for the spectator. I've been there. When I was a student, I had season tickets to the student section and rarely missed a game. I would yell anything that came to mind, such as "Kick them in the face!" or "Punch them in the throat!" I would even swear and use the f-word, if you can imagine. All of this behavior would increase my emotional involvement with the game. When UConn won, I would feel ecstatic. If they lost, melancholic.

Too often, I see fans sitting throughout the game, especially at the HCC. They only stand for the ceremonial first field goal, and then thereafter are planning to leave the arena with 10 mins left in the second half. These are the fans who cover their ten-year-old's ears from hearing the word "crackhead," as if they expected the game to be a showing of Happy Feet. Is this the behavior that you are encouraging? Or are you saying that fans should be raucous, but not too raucous? That is a difficult line to draw.

Perhaps the not-so-random shouting of fans (Paul Harris was actually indicted for drug sales and 3rd-degree assault) is actually a plea for an organized student section. I look at the Oakland Zoo in Pittsburgh and I wonder why nothing like that has grown at the University of Connecticut, which arguably has a program more steeped in basketball tradition than Pitt. Instead of suggesting the administration publicly censure the student fans in the Daily Campus, which I'm not confident would have the effect you intend, you could use your statewide circulation to call for a more organized and efficient cheering section.

Your article gets even more specious when you recommend Jim Calhoun write an email discouraging the use of expletives. You've been to many more games than I have, with a much closer vantage point to Calhoun's coaching style. Have you, sir, never heard Calhoun himself utter the dreaded f-word on the court? I have. Many, many times. Yet, in your piece, you say that he should be an advocate for decorum at Gampel. Perhaps you should, with all of your experience, tell Calhoun how he should coach a basketball game. I would cherish listening to his response for years to come. I bet he would drop some pretty big f-bombs on you.

Mr. DiMauro, you already named yourself many of the terms I might have used to describe your attitude so I will spare you any further name-calling. I will merely say that you are wrong. The behavior you suggest should be eliminated from the game is precisely what draws people to an athletic contest. We are not passively watching a movie or TV. The cheering or jeering of a crowd can actually influence the outcome of a game. It is why playing games in MSG or Cameron Indoor Stadium is infinitely more intense than at, say, the Hartford Civic Center. Gampel is the only arena UConn should play its games at because the student section is indeed raucous, supportive, loyal and occasionally profane. And that behavior helps the team win games.

Or did you want the Huskies to lose?


Let's see what happens. Maybe I'll be published in The Day tomorrow, maybe I'll never get a response. But somehow I feel a little better for having wrote that.

WhoreCraft

So there I was, minding my own business and not looking at porn at work. Then BANG!, I happen upon this crazy mashup:

The World of WhoreCraft

It's episodic pron content set in an Azeroth-like world with blood elves, hunters and rogues doing it from behind. No really, that's one of the episode titles. At first I thought it was kind of ridiculously derivative crap, but then I read an interview with the creator (?). He's been playing WOW for years while starring in and producing hundreds of porn videos. He wanted to combine his worlds. Hence, WhoreCraft. It makes perfect sense, if you think about it. The asthetic of warcraft is very much based in anime and its sensual conception of the female form. We all know night elves are hawt. It was inevitable really, given WOW's popularity, that someone would make the leap from sexy cartoons to real people screwing.

I haven't DLed the content myself yet, but I plan to tonight. It may be good, it may be crap. I'll let you know.

But all I know is, I spent way too much time looking at this stuff at my cubicle.

Whorecraft

So there I was, minding my own business and not looking at porn at work. Then BANG!, I happen upon this crazy mashup:

The World of WhoreCraft

It's episodic pron content set in an Azeroth-like world with blood elves, hunters and rogues doing it from behind. No really, that's one of the episode titles. At first I thought it was kind of ridiculously derivative crap, but then I read an interview with the creator (?). He's been playing WOW for years while starring in and producing hundreds of porn videos. He wanted to combine his worlds. Hence, WhoreCraft. It makes perfect sense, if you think about it. The asthetic of warcraft is very much based in anime and its sensual conception of the female form. We all know night elves are hawt. It was inevitable really, given WOW's popularity, that someone would make the leap from sexy cartoons to real people screwing.

I haven't DLed the content myself yet, but I plan to tonight. It may be good, it may be crap. I'll let you know.

But all I know is, I spent way too much time looking at this stuff at my cubicle. Should I set that as my desktop?

Why I love the internets

I was on friend's blog and noticed a new link to Neal Pollack's blog, author of Alternadad, that book I've seen all over bookstores in NYC. Scrolling down there, I see a bit about him responding to a critical review. I click and read the response. Then I go and read the original review by Lisa Carver. Then I click here for some of cutest shit ever captured by human beings. If we could harness the frenetic cute-energy of those videos a la Monsters, Inc., we wouldn't need to stabilize shit in the middle east.

And just like that, an hour of my life is gone.

Movies that were good when you were 6...

But kind of suck when you watch them now.

A not-so-comprehensive list:

• The Neverending Story - I remember loving this delightful tale of the Nothing destroying all of Fantasia when I was a kid. I just watched it on netflix and I have to say, keep your nostalgia firmly ensconced in better fare. The ancient effects, nonsensical editing, and bad child acting, consisting of yelling every line "But that's impossible!", definitely ruin the meta-story. Why did I remember the Empress being hot? She was freaking 10 years old, what's wrong with me?
• The Money Pit - The only funny part is when Tom Hanks is stuck in the floor and does that weird barking laugh. The rest is actually rather sad and reminds me too much of life in my crappy apartment, where my shower has tiles falling on my head on a daily basis.
• Spies Like Us - Still has got some great moments with Chase and Akroyd, but the sequence at the end with the lasers and the missiles and the pudding pops are way too Reagan-era for me now. I used to love the Cold War, what happun?
• Star Trek 3: The Search For Spock - I used to think this one went against the odd-numbered Trek films rule, wherein they all suck, and pulled off Kirk and the Gang's weird quest to save Spock from being dead. After watching it as a mature human being though, I have to agree with what Trekkies (and everyone else) knew 20 years ago. It sucks.

Add your own tales of the disappointment in your childhood's ability to critically analyze films in the comments.

A tale of two blogs

I've been doing a lot of work over at my comedy blog, scheduling shit and talking up my gigs. I still have a lto of work do on it, making it pretty and adding pics and video (don't even get me started on how much my myspace page sucks). I'm wondering if it even makes sense to have two blogs at this point. I mean, sure, it's nice to be able to post crap here that's on a more personal level, but that's part of the joy of blogging really, the baring of all your soul.

My dream is to have several urls which would point to the different aspects of my creative professional life. I'd have only one blog that I'd post to and give tags to each facet, like comedy, playwriting or producing. And the url producer.gregtito.com would only display blog entries with that tag. Is that even possible? Is it even necessary?

What think you, my loyal commenters?

Anyway, i thought I'd just point out to you that I do in fact have another blog, just in case you didn't know. There it is.

More SHOWS!

[Cue the dramatic music from the LOTR soundtrack, you know when the orcs are running through the forest... I'm a dork...{sigh}...]

As part of my domination plan, I've booked two more smaller shows in February. If my calculations are correct, taking into account the trajectory of Prince's nether regions and the curvature of Paula Dean's buttocks, a triangulation (or quadrulation really) of standup performances in the month of February will insure immediate commercial success. The comedy world is mine!

Underground Lounge, Friday, 2.9.06, 9pm
955 West End Avenue and 107th st.

This is for all you uptowners out there. I'm doing a set this Friday at everyone's favorite 15' x 9' room. There will be Columbia students and hot waitresses in attendance.

The World Famous (that's what they call it in their emails) Comedy Cellar, Thursday, 2.22.06, 6:45pm
117 Macdougal St, bet West 3rd and Minetta Lane

For those of you who prefer earlier weekday shows, here's an easy way to check out the Comedy Cellar. Seinfeld made this place popular in his doc and there are plenty of pictures to prove that he was actually there. Show's over by 9 so you can still go to work in the morning, with a little mo' pep in yo' step.

Coming back to the Caroline's fold, Feb. 26th

This was where it all started two years ago. Joni asked if I wanted to take a class in standup comedy. I said sure. Bang, two months later, I was performing hilarious jokes about video games and JFK's assassination on the stage at Caroline's. And now it's all coming full circle. I just booked a return show at the club for a Monday night and I have to bring 15 people. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? It is.

Here's the deal though, if you call 212.757.4100 and say my name for the 7pm show, the cover charge is only 5 bucks. That's pretty freakin cheap compared to the rest of the clubs in the city.
The show's only 2 hours so those of you who need to work in the morning can go to an early show and be home by 9:30pm.

How's that for a hard sell? I'm sending this out way early so you can put it on your calendars. Have you started a google calendar yet? My brother has. He has his plentiful social engagements, dogwalking duties and my comedy shows all on the same calendar. And you should enter the Web 2.0 generation too.

The deal:

Caroline's
1626 Broadway between 49TH ST. & 50TH ST.
Feb. 26th, 7pm
Cover is $5 when you reserve, 212.757.4100

Call NOW! Operators are standing by.