Kindle the fire

I know I'm late to the blogparty, but this stuff gets on my nerves. I like the Kindle, amazon's new book reader. I think it's a step in the right direction. And by the right direction, I mean the kind of world where everyone is connected to the Intehweb via bionic implant, there's no money, and we're just a worp away from skiing on Centauri Prime for the weekend.

But people just can't get behind this little device. It's being smeared all over the place as a worthless replacement for everyone's favorite technology from 1455, the fucking book. I know the device isn't perfect, the DRM is too draconian and the price isn't exactly right ($400 for the kindle plus $10/book) but now it seems to be the fashionable thing to pile hate on Jeff Bezos, Amazon, Jews and anyone trying to make an electronic reading device.

This one guy even implies that the kindle will create a fascist world as depicted in Orwell's 1984. And the stupid thing is, over 200 commenters seem to AGREE WITH HIM. Here is my hastily written response comment.

I fail to see how citing literary sources alongside pretty standard contract language is supposed to argue anything. I think if you looked at every T.O.S. you’ve ever agreed to without reading, you’d be surprised as to how much “control” you had just signed away. The language is there to protect the company, not to harm the customers.

Should the Kindle be DRM free? Probably, but then no one will get paid for all of the R&D and risk-taking they are now making. I think the high price of ebooks and DRM are here for the early adoption phase. Both will fade with time, a la Itunes.

Should Amazon collect general usage information like every tech company (including Apple, Microsoft, you cell phone, your tivo)? Yes. Of course they should. No amount of doomsaying and conspiracy theorizing will make this research turn our society into Orwell’s 1984. How can so many intellectuals be afraid of market research? Are surveys on the streets of NY an invasion of privacy? Yes. Does that mean every member of Greenpeace is actually a fascist? Yes, but not because they are gathering information.

I don’t think the Kindle will replace books, nor is that its purpose. I think Amazon is working towards a viable alternative to lugging that backbreaking Complete Works of Shakespeare your grandmother bought you and you’ve never been able to get around to reading around on a crowded mass transit system. And that’s something even crotchety old anti-progress pseudo-intellectual bloggers can get behind.

Professional updates

Even though you've already my last post where I quit the stand up biz, I still have some good news to report.

I've been writing for the Escapist in earnest. I have one article going up in a couple of weeks and I am tentatively assigned another due in January. I'm also trying to expand my journalistic endeavors by querying different magazines but so far no takers. If you know of any publications that need articles about night elves and dragons, let me know.

I'm in the running to land a gig writing for The Lord of the Rings Online. Last year, I heard that an old high school chum worked for Turbine and I emailed him out of the blue to say, hey, I want to be you. He told me to submit a quest design set in Tolkien's world, which I did. He was pleasantly surprised by it, I don't think he expected much from a high school acquaintance he hadn't spoken to in ten years. Turbine ended up hiring internally, but here it is a year later, the game is a moderate success, and they need more quest designers. I've got my fingers crossed.

My short play, Goodbye New York, is going to be performed in a few weeks with a bunch of other short works. The ironic thing is that the play is about quitting the entertainment industry. Sound familiar? Anyway, I think it's a funny show and the production company seems like it's run by cool people. I'll be going to the opening and the party afterwards on Thursday, December 6th.

Here follows the details:

Tickets are now on sale for Fn Productions' first production entitled, 'Stage THIS! an evening of Fn fabulous ten-minute plays'. The show runs Thursdays through Saturdays at 8pm with Saturday matinees at 3pm at the 78th Street Theatre Lab (78th St & Broadway).

Tickets are $18.00 and there are only 12 performances! So, if you are interested, please visit www.fnproductions.org to get your tickets today!

We hope to see you in December!

Jack Thompson is out again

Seriously, this guy is just blog fodder at this point.

Jack Thompson, the game-hatin' attorney from Florida, is up to his old antics again. He has filed a suit against BestBuy, the ESRB and anyone else he can think of for allegedly selling M rated video games to minors. Gamepolitics and Law of the Game are running the stories.

The funny thing is, Mr. Jack Thompson Esquire is just internet savvy enough to find these blogs AND ACTUALLY COMMENT IN THEM. I'm sorry, but if you want to be taken seriously as a lawyer, would you engage in trolling the comments on blogs written about your pending cases? Neither would I.

Check them out for yourself but here are some quotes from jack thompson, dickface-at-law.

"Pretty simple stuff, really, if your brain has not been fried by games."

"It's a shame you all don't know what you're talking about."

"It's called democracy, gamer nerds. Deal with it. And grow up."

"Sorry to embarrass you, but the Kaplan Foundation funds NIMF. NIMF is a grantee of the Foundation not a grantor. Are you on drugs?"

"Secondly, I am an activist against the sale of violent, mature-rated games to anyone under 17. You didn’t know that? I think you need a brain scan." [emphasis mine, i love how he baits gamers and then says shit like this next one]

"Correction, please:

I am not a “game-hatin’ attorney.”

As I repeatedly tell audiences, video games are reflective of a neutral technology. All technology is neutral. You can electrify or incinerate a city with nuclear fission. It depends what you do with technology.

Virtual reality is one of the most powerful teaching modalities ever devised. It can teach for good or for ill. Not sure why GP can’t grasp that."

If that were the case then why does he constantly refer to gamers as stupid nerds engaging in a masturbatory activity of which a 30 year old should be ashamed?

The Pride of the Red Sox

I can't think of a more fitting way to celebrate winning the ALCS after trailing 3-1. Ok, maybe using the trophy as some kind of torture dildo ala Se7en on a very willing Tina Cervasio. Maybe that'd be better than dousing the American League trophy with Bud Light while wearing goggles and chomping on cigar in the center of Fenway Park. Maybe, but probably not.

I love this guy and I love this team.

Oh and...

These stupid cats make me laugh everytime.

A man with too many mistresses

I've been playing LOTRO this week. (That's Lord of the Rings Online for you uncouth bastards.)

It was suggested that I get more of a working knowledge of the game, as it's a slight possibility that I could work for the company. (more on that later) LOTRO is definitely fun, it steals some of the best things from WOW. And with patch 2.3, it seems WOW is stealing some UI elements from LOTRO, like the minimap tracking trainers, merchants, etc.

But the question is, what do I do with 2 MMOs? They are huge timesinks already. Will it be possible to juggle two of them and a wife, a full time job and a failing writing career? Will I go insane?

Perhaps I already am...

To the woman...

An open letter to the woman on the L train whose breasts were smashed against my back this morning--

I'm sorry that I had to push my way onto your car. I'm sorry that the only means of conveyance to Manhattan from Williamsburg has become a crowded mess of livestock, braying and mooing to get on board the oh so scant few trains which deign to take us to our meaningless careers. I'm sorry about all that.

But at least we got to share a special moment. Remember when I looked behind me to be certain that yes indeed, that soft insistent pressure on my shoulder blade was actually your right breast. And remember after I confirmed that fact, I looked into your green eyes as if to say, "Huh, isn't New York crazy?" in order to disarm the tension such close proximity can evoke? And remember the look of utter disdain and hatred you gave me in return?

I do. I'll remember it forever.

Also, your tits. I won't forget them.

You had a great rack.

A guy on my basketball team did this to his finger

CHECK IT

How I lost the weight

This pic is from a Weight Watchers recipe card circa 1974. I'm not sure which is worse. That people actually ate fish balls or that it was presented in such a professional manner.

Candyboots has a tour of more delectable treats here. Click through them, it's worth a read. And the shudders.

Weight loss contest revisited

Just wanted to give everyone an update to the Great Loss of Body Mass of 2007.

I lost.

But I won. Get it?

Rain Delay and I decided that the scale measuring our percentage of body fat was a load of mung-flavored bunk. This was proven after Mr. Delay downed a small trough filled with beer and then weighed LESS than before he drank said libations. I think it read that he was at 15% body fat instead of the 22-21% he was hovering at at the time.

The two of us went with plan B, which was just a straight ten percent loss of weight. Of course, at the time of last weigh-in, Rain Delay was well under that goal while I was still a few pounds short. Or heavy. Whatever. The final counting:

7.12.07	Greg	Rain Delay
Weight in lbs.	195.4	225
% of Body Fat	21.5%	26.5%

10.4.07	Greg	Rain Delay
Weight in lbs.	177	201.6
% of Body Fat (Bullshit)	17.5	21.5
10% lost goal	175.86	202.5
Pounds lost	18.4	23.4
Percent lost	9.2	10.4

*These numbers are from memory and may be a bit off. I may also be high.

I lost. And I lost a shitload of weight. So I guess I kind of won too. I'm thinner now then I have been since high school. That's a crazy idea to wrap my brain around. Pants are falling off me and I love it. We've accomplished more in 4 months than (incoming hyperbole!) most men do in their lifetimes.

Just to throw the point out there, I was actually up to 203 lbs just this February. In 8 months then, I have lost 26 lbs or 13.3% of my weight. But I'm not bitter. I am nothing if not a good loser. See what I did there?

I bought Mr. Delay his Wii and I'm glad for it.

The problem with health care in this country...

I just went to the dentist and I am fucking pissed. She installed 5 fillings. After it was all over, I went to the front desk and was asked to wait while they have to calculate my co-pay. This did not bode well. I waited for a while, getting more and more annoyed that I'm missing time from work. Then the bitch told me that I owed $232.00. Because my insurance doesn't cover "white" fillings, only metal fillings. This is AFTER they already did it. So I'm forced to pay. Then I complained to the actual dentist and she gave me the standard line that "how was she supposed to know what your insurance covers" and "it's your responsibility to find out how much a procedure is going to cost." Totally ignored the fact that was hornswaggled and she knew it.

Moral of the story: get an estimate from your doctor like they are a fucking mechanic.

The debate can go on and on about how to resolve our health care crisis, and I don't know what the solution is. But I think the fundamental problem with the current system is that there is no accountability. The doctors and dentists screw the insurance company. The insurance company screws the customer. The customer screws their dog. It's all circular. Don't you think it's weird that you aren't the one paying for services rendered to you? Isn't it strange to think that your doctor and you often work in cahoots to wring more money out of the insurance company?

I was told a story recently where a doctor routinely charges exorbitant amounts for a visit, knowing full well that the insurance company will only pay the average price/visit. He doesn't do this to screw the customer, because he won't force the customer to pay the balance. The sole reason for charging high is so said average price/visit goes up and the doctor can make more money off the insurance company. Our system is that fucked up.

In order for a true capitalist checks and balances to work, there needs to be no middle man. Or at least, the middle man needs to be divested from your employment. Very few people have the financial freedom to quit their job and get a new one based solely on how the medical benefits perform. If we shopped for medical insurance like we did for car insurance, there would be accountability. If there's accountability, there might just be some change.

And I'd also like a pony.


And some cool ranch Doritos.

Not sure why I wanted to do this but I spent about a month trying to get all my toons on Detheroc on the "decades." I have chars at 70, 60 50 and so on. Just a little minigame with myself, but I thought I'd post it as further evidence of my dorkosity.

Is it just me?

I don't know if it's because I'm getting older or what, but my neighborhood has seen an influx of extremely hot girls in the last few months. I know school just started and NYUers like Williamsburg as an alternative to Manhattan but, jesus christ on the Forman, it's getting out of hand. I sat on my stoop last night for a few minutes and witnessed at least 347 women with short shorts and cleavage for days. We're talking about a cascade of hotness rivaling a Bryant Park catwalk. More hot than that actually because these girls were real and not stick-figure marionettes.

It's enough to make me divorce my wife and run down the street with pants around my god damn ankles.

Well, maybe just the latter.

FYI

I think I may be hanging up the microphone for a while.

Thus far in my professional life, I've often felt that I have too many aspirations. Just in the sphere of writing, I have put equal energy into being a comic, a playwright, an author, a journalist and a screenwriter. No one succeeds at that many professions. Shit, most people can't make it as one of them.

In order to be a successful comic, you have to get on stage. I've met guys who get up every night of the week. They make it their mission to be in front of an audience and craft their jokes over several hundred nights of experience. I don't have the ability to spend that much time. At my best, most productive stage, I was getting up once a week. And that was a just few big shows interspersed with open mics. I'd love to say it was because I have other obligations. I have a wife, I play in a basketball league, I have a weekly gaming group. But I know that, honestly, if I wanted to perform every night, I could have. The truth is that I don't possess the necessary drive. That's a hard thing to admit, but for my sanity I have to pull back somewhere and stand up has had too much of an impact on my psyche.

Getting up in front of people and making them to laugh will always be one of my joys. It's a great feeling and I'm glad that I experienced it as much as I did. I know that I will always have the ability to stand up, grab the mic, and say some funny stuff. That's a good skill to have. And who knows, I may pick it up again in a month or a year. If there is anything I'm consistent with, it is my inconsistency.

For now though, I plan to concentrate on what was my first passion, writing stories. Arguably, it's what I'm the best at. It's what I'm drawn to. When I was a kid and the grownups asked me what I wanted to do, I always answered "I want to be a writer." It's still true. I want to write the next LOTR or at least take up Robert Jordan's mantle.

There is also the possibility of attending school. Part of me would like to become a teacher and get that house in the country that has been looking so attractive the past few years. And maybe get Mephistopheles to pop out a few shorties. That biological clock is ticking honey. Let's get on the ball.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me in the past and come to my shows. I know it wasn't easy and I appreciate every morsel of support extended to me. You are a big reason why doing stand up was so fun and I will miss seeing you laugh from the stage.

The microphone is on the hook.

Since the 2nd grade

There are few performers I can say I've been a fan of since my days at Lillie B. Haynes. Weird Al is one of them. His show last night at the Beacon Theater was quintessant. He rocks like a man half his age and a nerd twice his stature. The show was a performance piece, complete with props and more costume changes than a one-man Hamlet.

I took some decent video and I'll try to youtube it for your viewing pleasure. Wait till you see Darth Vader dance.

Show tonight

I've said it before, I'll say it again. I got a show tonight. I need you people there. Enough said.

Make it happen. I love you.

Metropolitan Room
Thursday, 8.23.07, 8pm
34 West 22nd St Betw. 5th & 6th Ave.
Tel: 212 206 0440

Great news in Gregland

I mentioned before that one of my plays was a finalist for the Stage This! competition.

I'm happy to report that not only was Goodbye New York chosen to be published (in a real book!) but that, instead of a mere staged reading, FN Productions is actually going to stage a full production. The current plans are for an October three week run with a full on equity showcase contract type show.

More details will follow. Color me excited.

Conscientious Objector

I thought those words only referred to the Vietnam war. Apparently there more than a few US military personnel living in Canada after having been rejected for CO status.

http://www.wmtc.ca/

Is this war as immoral as Vietnam?

Show tonight, Different night next week.

I'm excited for the show tonight at Max. Matt McCarthy is a funny dude and I can't wait to show him my chops. And by chops, I mean penis.

Next week, I'll be performing at the Metropolitan Room instead of Gotham. The Metropolitan is actually where Gotham used to be, close to the Flatiron building. They renovated and changed it into a jazz club where you can play the "Yazz" flute a la Ron Burgundy.

Even though the have mostly jazz, Jessica Kirson is running a comedy show there on Thursday the 23rd. I'll be there making as manny Dizzie Gillespie references as I possibly can while cleaning out my spit valve.

Metropolitan Room
Thursday, 8.23.07, 8pm
34 West 22nd St Betw. 5th & 6th Ave.
Tel: 212 206 0440

Football vs. Baseball

I've wasted considerable manhours today on a pointless email discussion of which sport is better. Rather than have this amazing discourse be squandered on the waves of the interweb, I'm posting it here in entirety so that others may waste their time. My responses (in black) began through a proxy, the football fans wife. His answers are gay and in purple to denote such orientation. Fuck you, it's my blog. Enjoy:



Baseball is better than football. Make sure you tell him that.

I bravely told him that you said baseball is better than football. He laughed a deep and hearty laugh and then said "yeah right".

Football is for 300 pound fatties with 5 year careers, baseball is for life.

Here we go. Just to negate the 300 lbs comment........Cecil "Hall of Famer" Fielder. Okay, now that that's outta the way. I like baseball. Go Sox. I even enjoy going to a game or watching the playoffs on TV. The problem is, baseball is a game. Football is a sport. You do not have to be an athlete to play professional baseball. Manny an athlete? Not even close. Is he extremely talented? Absolutely. But so is the guy who can bowl a 300 consistently. A Hall of Fame baseball player succeeds at the plate 2 out of 5 times. So that's a possible two times a game offensively that a Hall of Fame player may have to actually run. That's good because I don't know if Papi could handle more than that. Now let's look at defense. Papi is out because, well, he's a DH. But let's look at Manny. How many times do you go through the batting order in a game, maybe 4 times in an average game? So that's going to be around 36 at bats for a team. How many of those at bats result in balls coming Manny's way? For the sake of argument I'm going to estimate really, really high and say 10 balls come his way. So, let's say he gets 2 hits on offense (not HR because then he doesn't have to run) and 10 plays his way on defense. That's 12 times over the course of a game that he has to run. 12 times???? That's ridiculous. And how many of those defensive plays does he actually run on? Manny is not an athlete and he's a Hall of Fame caliber player. Sport???? I think not. I'm not saying that running is essential to a sport (boxing) but moving should be. Every guy on every play of a football game has to be athletic and in shape. The same can't be said of baseball. The football guys may way 300 lbs but they're in terrific shape and if they're not they get booted off the team. So, in conclusion. Yes baseball players have skills but so do guys who play darts. There are athletes who play baseball but in most positions it's not a requirement. Football is superior in every way. While baseball may be America's past-time, football is America's passion.


Any and all baseball players would scoff at your statement that they are not athletes. The main point you are forgetting is that football players play in 16 games a season. Baseball players play in 162 games. That's ten times more, in case you didn't realize. Longevity and endurance is a much bigger part of baseball and involves much more than running 12 times a game. In order to be prepared to have bursts of speed and excellent hand-eye coordination, they must take batting and fielding practice, do calisthenics and keep their bodies in excellent shape much like football players. The Cecil Fielders and Big Papis are the exception, not the rule. Let me ask you this question, would a 300 pound lineman be able to play 162 games a year? How long would his career last if he did?

Also, last I watched a football game, there is a lot of standing around. What's the offense doing when the defense is on the field and vice versa? Not to mention the 2nd, 3rd and 4th string players who spend the whole game on the bench. To say there is more downtime in baseball than football is kind of ridiculous. Both of them pale in comparison to true cardiovascular sports like basketball and long distance running or cycling. Football and baseball are more akin to sprinting or long jumping. Preparation for an intense bout of truly incredible feats of sprinting or leaping or swinging doesn't lessen the athlete doing it.

And finally, DARTS ISN"T A SPORT? HOW DARE YOU?

David Blaine had to prepare his body to be in a bubble for 3 months or whatever the hell it was he did but I wouldn't say it makes him an athlete. If we're going to bring practice into the equation then the baseball season is probably shorter than the football season. I'm not educated enough in the baseball schedule to be sure but I know that teams not making the playoffs in the NFL have a total of about 4 1/2 months off. Football takes a much bigger toll on the body too, hence the average shorter career. And I'll take a batting practice and calisthenics over an NFL OTA any day.

I'll give you that a shortstop has to be a real athlete. You might convince me on 2nd too. Those guys really have to be able react quickly and control their bodies. But I know in my current out of shapeness that I could handle the "rigors" of a 162 game season playing right field. I just don't have the hand-eye coordination and other skill involved in swinging a bat at a professional level. I could handle the field though (throwing would take some practice but again I would argue the same about bowling).

To answer your question about the 300 pounder being able to handle baseball? Absolutely! He'd have to retrain his body but not because baseball demands it. Because that position on a football field requires you to build your body different from the average human. In thinking about positions I think I've come up with a good comparison. A baseball player is like the kicker on a football team. Waits around for three hours to be involved on his 8 plays a game. Yup, he runs down the field to help cover kicks but have you see these guys? Hardly athletes. They have to do calisthenics and stuff to keep their legs flexible. They have to keep their "heads in the game" ready to perform their miraculous feat. But they for sure are not athletes. And though there is no proof, I'm sure they would be just fine if the season had 162 games.

I'm typing this at work so I'm not able to formulate my thoughts real clear right now. You should come over tonight and we'll settle this like men! Or we can put on some skirts and settle it like baseball players. = ) Just kidding. I respect baseball players for what they can do, I just wouldn't call them all athletes.

Your definition of athlete is slightly skewed, mostly to win this argument, I fear.

Is a sprinter an athlete? Baseball involves sprinting. Is a high jumper an athlete? Baseball involves jumping. Hell, I consider myself an athlete and I only play basketball once a week and go to the gym here and there. Why are you slighting the fact that preparation and anticipation of a spectacular athletic feat is less strenuous or worthy of praise than "Hey you, push against this guy for 5 seconds" 20 times in a hour? I see you ignored the downtime involved in most football games. Take a look at your own precious players before wielding the "athlete" stick.

I also don't think you'd be able to handle the rigors of a 162 game season without training. The baseball "season" begins in February and stretches to October so I'd say it's comparable with football's. Younger guys also play Winter ball or now the W.B.C. so that will add games. Most players take only a month or so off and then have a routine off-season workout schedule to stay sharp.

The real difference between football and baseball athletic levels is one of resilence and endurance. Sure, a 300 pound guy can do well for a month or two easily, but to consistently perform well for 6+ months takes a tailored and trim athletic body. Have you heard anything about the steroids or greenies scandals? They are all about bouncing back, about maintaining strength and agility over a long period of time. Why do you think players would risk their career for the chance to perform consistently over a whole season? Perhaps it's because it's not as easy a sport as you claim it is.

But that's not even why I think baseball is better than football. What bothers me is the culture. Football is so Republican. So ritualistic. I don't like that they play once a week (or two weeks on a bye). What keeps your attention in between? Baseball is consistent. Every night during the summer, I can get home from work and watch a game. There are better stories involved in baseball. The starter trying to bounce back from a shelling. The young minor league callup having his first at-bat. Just look at how many great baseball movies there are: Field of Dreams, Major League, Bull Durham, The Natural, Eight Men Out, A League of Their Own(don't knock it, it's fucking great). How many football movies are there? Any Given Sunday? I hate Pacino in that. The Longest Yard? Rudy? Awful.

Not just South Park

My brother just sent me this little flash movie produced by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. It certainly struck a chord with me.*

http://www.coldhardflash.com/swf/music_life.swf

I'll give the snippet that he pulled out as a teaser, "and you were supposed to sing and dance while the whole thing was being played."










*pun intended

Max

I've got another show booked for this month, Max at Mo Pitkin's. I went to this one last week to check it out and Matt McCarthy fucking cracks me up. The large redhead has got the kind of disarming humor you only see in guys that have been making people laugh since they were squeezed out of the womb. Or is that "squoze?" Either way, Matt's fucking funny and he hosts a great show.

Come check it out:

Max
Wednesday, August 15th @ 8:00pm
Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction.
#34 Avenue A (b/w 2nd and 3rd), NYC. upstairs in Sadie's Lounge.
Cost: YOUR ETERNAL SOUL!!!!! (free)

http://redrube.blog.com/

Some good news

One of my short plays was chosen as a semi-finalist for the Stage This! Too Ten-Minute Playwriting Contest.

http://www.fnproductions.org/index.htm (Not a permalink)

The play, Goodbye New York, is about an aging actor who dramatically announces to his friend and waitress that he is giving up the life.

28 semi-finalists were chosen from 109 plays and the final 12 plays will get a staged reading and publication in a real book, complete with paper and ink. I'd actually forgotten that I applied to this thing, it was a nice surprise to get an email telling me some decent news for once. I hope I get picked for the book.

Weight loss contest

In a decided effort to combat our expanding waistlines and our impending death, my buddy and I have begun a Herculean effort to lose weight. Realizing that there is absolutely no way that the two of us could motivate separately to eat less and exercise, we agreed to set our anorexic tendencies against the other.

I've known Rain Delay since 1st grade and we have been forever locked in a clash of wills, be it for girls, basketball, bike races, grades (we were separated in 3rd grade because I would proclaim my A on a test was better than his A-), and now FIFA 07 and Fight Night 3. I cannot let him win any more than he can allow my victory. Which is not to say we don't respect each other, quite the opposite. But this marks the first time that we have decided to harness this power for good and not for evil. The two of us have vowed before the Lords of Cobol that we will lose weight or die trying. Actually, the loser buys the winner a Nintendo Wii, but everytime I will play it, Rain Delay will die a little bit inside.

The rules are like this: We are striving to lose one third of our body fat percentage. We reasoned that losing straight weight would encourage unhealthy practices like slicing off our arms. Plus, I didn't want to feel bad about lifting at the gym, thinking it would skew the numbers to his favor. We weigh in every Monday on a scale which Rain Delay bought for $120. It figures out our body fat percentage by sending three tiny mice into our anuses and having them ascend through our digestive systems. It's either that or it uses electricity somehow. Regardless, it's foolproof and we trust it 100%.

Here are some surprisingly annoying-to-make tables of our results so far:

7.16.07	Greg	Rain Delay
Weight in lbs.	194.2	225
% of Body Fat	21.5%	26.5%

7.23.07	Greg	Rain Delay
Weight in lbs.	192	219
% of Body Fat	21%	25.5%

7.30.07	Greg	Rain Delay
Weight in lbs.	190	219
% of Body Fat	20%	25.5%

As you can see, I am currently winning. Mr. Rain Delay has stalled at 25.5% while my steady descent will lead me to the sweet fruit of Victory. I can already taste it. It tastes like cantaloupe.

Tommy Danger indeed

Had a fun time with the boys from Louisiana at Kabin last night. I had no idea there was such a Southern infusion going on in the New York comedy scene. And there's nothing funnier than intelligent southerners (see Jeff Foxworthy).

I always thought Peter Dinklage was a dick. It was great to have some validation on that point.

Thank you to everyone who came out, Ill Wind and Fournier sisters unite!

Senator plays a 70 Dwarf Priest

http://gamepolitics.com/2007/07/24/senator-is-a-level-70-dwarf-priest-in-world-of-warcraft/

The real question is: Guam has a senator?

Conspiracy

I'm not sure what the human fascination with conpiracies is drawn from. After every major historical event now it seems theories sprout up about what really happened or what our government isn't telling us. Was JFK shot by the grassy knoll? Were the Kinghts Templar involved in Richie Cunningham's career? Is Paul dead and replaced by a robot? Is his memory full?

Perhaps it comes from history class. I remember the point being outlined many times in my Connecticut liberal public school education that history is written by the victors. That even commonly held accounts of the Revolutionary War, the Civil War or Vietnam are heavily skewed towards promoting US supremacy. I was a child at the peak of the Cold War, and it often seemed every movie was about Russia succombing to the capitalist wise-cracking might of America. Looking back now, I wonder if what we had was so much better than the Russians or if that's what we were supposed to believe.

My current obessesion/timewasting activity is to read about the myriad 9/11 conspiracy theories. It's undeniable that the destruction of the WTC was a polarizing event which conveniently divided the world into Us vs. Them. The benefits to the current White House administration were many (despite how it has blown up in their face.) It's not a very far leap of logic to consider that Cheney and Co. (Coming from Disney Films this Christmas!) perpetrated the attacks or were at least complicit. I've watched enough Jack Bauer to know that this shit happens all the time.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/9/11_conspiracy_theories

This is a exhaustive list of current 9/11 theories. The wiki editors do a good job of keeping this article neutral, neither endorsing or dismissing the claims. It's a decent read, even if you don't believe a bleeding word of it. I'm not sure where my own opinion lies, but some of the evidence presented (including corroborating eyewitness testimony of explosions in teh WTC basement as the planes crashed into the top of the tower) are too compelling to deny outright.

Another new conspiracy (for me) is outlined here. This is well-thought out and comprehensive thesis proving that Jesus did not exist. Historically. That there is very little evidence to support the claims that he was a social activist or even a public speaker. Instead, this dude proves that the gospels and the subsequent new testament were mythic writings on par with Homeric literature. Interesting, if you can deal with the wall of text on that page.

Finally, the pyramids were made by aliens because Egyptians are stupid.

New show

After reaching out with those giant squid tentacle-like comedy feelers, I have started booking some new rooms.

Next up is in the trendy new neighborhood called the East Village.


THE TOMMY DANGER COMEDY HOUR! at KABIN

Thursday, July 26th, 9pm

92 2ND AVE. BETWEEN 5TH & 6TH STREET! NYC , NY

Ready for the best part: FREE!

***News FLASH*** Businessmen are Boring!! Extra!

There is this asshole Indian dude who I work for named Giridar Srinevasan (the names have not been changed because I don't want to protect this son of a bitch).

One day a few months ago he was looking through the shit on my desk (while I wasn't there mind you) and saw one of the fantasy short story magazines I've been getting. He looked through it, noticing only the advertisements which, regrettably, market towards the female readers with Fabio looking dudes on the cover. He insisted on calling it gay-porn. Everytime he's here at my desk with another person and time to kill, he brings up my obsession with gay porn. "Have you heard about Greg's taste in magazines?" I always bring out the latest issue of Realms of Fantasy and show them, trying as hard as I can not to feel embarassed. He goes through the magazine, pointing out every shitty advertisement for low-end romance/fantasy books, as if that's what I was reading. All the while it's peppered with derisive comments, "I'm worried about you..." Giridar constantly tries to make me feel like shit for reading fantasy, but I'm always like, "I am not ashamed, dude."

This morning, he did it again with one of the younger guys in the office. I said, "Don't you read stories?" His response, "I read newspapers." In a grim voice. Like that's the only thing that matters. Guess what you fucking prick? There's more to life than numbers and spreadsheets and whether your mail-order Hindian wife is going to get into the US on a shitty ass green card.

He's a dick in normal business too, nobody seems to like him because he gets agitated and upset easily. The guy acts like the annoying younger brother to those above him and a playground bully to those below. He's even tried to drag me in the dirt before on an invoice that he fucked up, blaming me to his bosses because I reproduced the exact numbers that he gave me an hour before. Douche.

This is for you, Giridar. If reading fantasy makes me wrong, I don't want to be like you.

***News FLASH*** Businessmen are Boring!! Extra!

There is this asshole Indian dude who I work for named Giridar Srinevasan (the names have not been changed because I don't want to protect this son of a bitch).

One day a few months ago he was looking through the shit on my desk (while I wasn't there mind you) and saw one of the fantasy short story magazines I've been getting. He looked through it, noticing only the advertisements which, regrettably, market towards the female readers with Fabio looking dudes on the cover. He insisted on calling it gay-porn. Everytime he's here at my desk with another person and time to kill, he brings up my obsession with gay porn. "Have you heard about Greg's taste in magazines?" I always bring out the latest issue of Realms of Fantasy and show them, trying as hard as I can not to feel embarassed. He goes through the magazine, pointing out every shitty advertisement for low-end romance/fantasy books, as if that's what I was reading. All the while it's peppered with derisive comments, "I'm worried about you..." Giridar constantly tries to make me feel like shit for reading fantasy, but I'm always like, "I am not ashamed, dude."

This morning, he did it again with one of the younger guys in the office. I said, "Don't you read stories?" His response, "I read newspapers." In a grim voice. Like that's the only thing that matters. Guess what you fucking prick? There's more to life than numbers and spreadsheets and whether your mail-order Hindian wife is going to get into the US on a shitty ass green card.

He's a dick in normal business too, nobody seems to like him because he gets agitated and upset easily. The guy acts like the annoying younger brother to those above him and a playground bully to those below. He's even tried to drag me in the dirt before on an invoice that he fucked up, blaming me to his bosses because I reproduced the exact numbers that he gave me an hour before. Douche.

This is to you, Giridar. If reading fantasy makes me wrong, I don't want to be like you.

Gotham, 8.22.07

Early warning.

I booked a show at Gotham on Wednesday, August 22nd.

Time to get back on the horse and beat it dead.

Headshot

I totally picked my final headshot a couple weeks but never told anyone about it. Including the guy who shot it. For those of you counting at home the winner was 8. And I couldn't resist getting 48. Also, 69. For purely aesthetic reasons, I promise.

A big thank you to everyone who emailed me or posted here with your selections. It helped a lot.

CONTEST!!

I'm participating in yet another one of those forced creativity things. Yep. It appears it's the only way I can get anything done. This one's a week long screenwriting challenge. Starts tommorrow. Let's just hope I don't get Romance set in a Public Bathroom in Central Park.

http://www.nycmidnight.com/2007/SC2007/challenge.htm

Actually, that one wouldn't be that bad. I could have a rapist who actually falls in love with his victim... GENIUS!

UPDATE! My criteria are as follows:

GENRE - Fantasy

SUBJECT - Swimming

When a kid jumps into the pool, he's transported to a dream world of magic. Or maybe, when man has a near-death expereience swimming on a beach, he is saved by a mermaid. Or maybe...

Just in case you were wondering how Fantasy Baseball works

Although you probably weren't.

Fantasy baseball scoring: Every day, each team is ranked 1-10 on each cumulative stat. So if Player A has 50 saves recorded on Tuesday and Player B has 48, then Player A has a 10 in saves and player B has a 9 (assuming they were leading the league). If on Wednesday, Player B's relievers do well and record 3 saves and Player A's record nothing, then Player B is ranked 10 and Player B is ranked 9 for saves that day.

This is done for each stat, each day, and the rankings are all added which results in your overall score. If Player A has a 10 in saves, a 6 in ERA and 1 in Ks then his overall score is a 17. On Wednesday, his rankings are 9, 6 and 1.5 respectively and his score is a 16.5 (a .5 on a ranking means there is a tie and the two players each get the mean of the rankings above and below them). That's why on the main page change is denoted by -1 or +2.5. This is the team's cumulative change in the rankings of each stat.

Another important thing, players have to be in the game (not on the bench) to record stats. If a batter isn't playing that day or its a travel day for the team, try to have the players on the bench get in the game and get you some stats. Starting pitchers are the most important, you have to rotate them in when they are scheduled to pitch. This means you have to check every once in a while to see when their rotation is up. You can schedule roster changes several days in advance if you are leaving for the weekend or something.

That's only rotesserie league play. I've been slightly addicted to this whole fantasy thing, ever since my buddy got me involved in his Yahoo league. There's also head-to-head play where you battle one manager's team per week in all the league's stats. Good times. I'd link you my team but it's set to private for some reason. I'll give you a hint though. Manram Ordonez.

Yet another time suckage tool. Between this, playing 12 games of simul-chess on gameknot and reading the latest WOW news, it's amazing I get anything done.

Wait. I don't do anything. I forgot. *sigh*

British Atheist

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/more_sport/athletics/article1991114.ece

The greatest triple-jumper known to man has also become Britain's most famous atheist. I'm seeing a lot of parallels here. Triple-jumper. Jesus rose from the dead in three days. This guy won 7 silver medals in his career. Jesus's life was bought for 30 pieces of silver*. Jonathan Edwards had his reverse epiphany when he was exposed to BBC secular types. Jesus exposed himself to Mary Magdalene. The similarites are almost eerie.

On another note: Edwards carried sardines in his pouch when he won the gold medal. That's just gross.

* See Jesus Christ Superstar.

Hmm.

29. I don't like it.

I had a good swinging time at the Living Room on Friday. It was their last show of the "season" and I was happy enough to get some stage time. Check out the pics/writeup here.

They even awarded me the coveted Funniest Comedian of All Time award. I'm very proud even though I know that honor actually belongs to this guy:

PA

I love me some Penny Arcade. They haven't been up to snuff lately, IMHO, but today's comic made me laugh out loud.

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2007/06/22

Ah those crazy ARGs

There are some games that you don't even know you are playing.

The idea of alternate reality games is that they are viral marketing tools with their insidious messages shot directly into your eyeballs which will make you jump and dance and buy their shit. In fact, I don't think they do any of the above.

It's hard to define what exactly they are. A series of puzzles on the internet, a couple of dummy phone lines, a series of images which eventually point to ... what? The reward is intangible. A piece of lore. A scrap of story. Yet, millions of people enjoyed Halo 2's I love Bees campaign.

I don't know any of these people.

I like the idea. It is like an extremely complex scavenger hunt created by an evil genius. But ARGs are basically fabricated research projects. Which although neat, actually entails a lot of, for lack of a better word, WORK. Why would I spend hours scouring websites, reading encyclopedic tomes searching for clues or following up on Da Vinci Code-esque leads? Am I wearing a fedora? Am I named after the dog?

Anyway, if any of you are interested, Bungie is running a new ARG for the release of Halo 3. The game may or may not start here. You may be tempted into a tangled weave of intrigue with loose blondes and smart-quipping vilains. Or you may just read the comic, say, "Huh, neat," and continue on with your life.

Grape soda

I'm drinking some right now. And all I can think about is the band I had in 9th grade with my friends who were way more musically inclined than I. I tried to write the lyrics of a song, I had most of them down but the only ones I remember were:

I stood upon the ground and I wished that you were there
There was something gone that I'd not seen before

Heavy shit. Unfortunately that's the entire catalog of Grape Soda right there. If we'd stuck with it we'd be the next Creed, or at least the New Radicals.

2nd episode in the can

The second webisode of the as yet untitled web series was filmed last night. We used my downstairs neighbor's backyard and had to fight the failing light. This is the same neighbor who's producing The Darjeeling Express, and when I called to ask him if I could use his apartment, he proceeded to tell me all kinds of info about the upcoming film. I can't tell if he's just a gossip or if he honestly wants to share this stuff with me but all i can say is that Anna Paquin will not be in the film because her ass looks too good on film. JUST KIDDING. it looks like crap. not really, but they cut her out anyway.

Digressions aside, the filming of my shit went well last night. I'm not much of an actor, but that's why I'm going to make it my goal to have super-talented people around me at all times. Last night was no exception, a big thanks to you guys for making it happen.

In other news, I've taken a little midsummer hiatus from performing comedy. I didn't really plan it, but now that's it's happened, I'm going to milk it for all that it's worth. I may have some cosmic trick up my sleeve when I get back in the game. Like I will be able to dance the Dolphin, or maybe the Roger Rabbit. I haven't decided yet.

Greg Tito Announces New Web Show In An Already Oversaturated Market!

I had this idea, once again while driving on the Queensboro bridge, where I make a feature length movie about my experiences in New York. BUT, I make the movie in short burst webisodes of five minutes or less. I got in front of computer and whipped off a few pages about being a stage hand. And with Ol's show running until this weekend (getting great reviews p.s.), I knew this was my only chance to shoot something actually ON A STAGE. Deadlines being the mother of all my creativity, I wrote, shot and starred (what?) in a short film in less than five days. I want to have at least five webisodes done and editing before showing them to the Youtube interwebs and my loyal fans here, but I will tell you the tentative title.

Singing While Driving

or maybe

Singing in the Car

or even

Driving and Singing



Ok, I'm on the fence about the title.

A month gone by

Been busy lately. On May 17th, I left for a weekend with the boys in what will be known as the Greenville Drive. For details of our mass exodus to the southland, go here. He's got quite a few posts on the trip, make sure you check them all out. I will be adding pics and maybe even video here eventually. I filled up a 2 gig card of pics and I still had to delete some of the obviously out-of-focus in order to get the Cos. That's right, I said Kevin Costner.

Immediately after I got back from staying in dirty motel rooms in the bible belt, I began recreating a dirty motel ... ON STAGE! Good friend, Oliver Butler, and his fellow theater auteurs from the Debate Society have successfully staged their third play, The Eaten Heart. I humbly spent a few days banging together some moulding, hanging masking and stapling scrim to itself. The set is badass, the sound and the lighting is spot on, and the characters Paul (like naked Larry who believes he's invisible because he's wearing Magic Underpants) and Hannah (crazy woman who sings lounge acts castrating her dear husband) create are scintillating. I *heart* the Eaten Heart.

I received a wonderful shallacking from the sun on Memorial Monday. Mephistopholes and I loved our little jaunt to Jones beach, until the sun went behind the concrete clouds and threatened never to return. "Come back Father Sun!" we beseeched from sticky, lotioned faces. Come back he did, as he always does, and his vicious rays punished us for our doubt in him. Both of us are burnt, though (despite her name) Mephistopholes is worse. Her midsection is now a crayon-perfect burnt umber. Tasty.

Gotham Next Tuesday!

Going to be at Gotham in a couple days.

No crazy preambles this time around. I've run out of funny. I'm saving it up for that gig.

See you there.


Gotham, 23rd bet 7th and 8th
Tuesday, May 22nd
8:00pm$12 cover, 2 drinks
Call 212-367-9000 to reserve

You decide!

I broke down and got some headshots with my wife. It's come up a few times, random people asking me for headshots. It gets a little disconcerting not having anything to give them, especially when dirty bums stop me for a quarter and a headshot and resume.

My wife, who may or may not be named Mephistopholes, has been unhappy with the digital shots she got a few years back. She went with a rising star in the actor headshot biz, one Debra Lopez. The pictures aren't BAD, perse, but Erin used to get a crapload more auditions/callbacks from her old pictures. One could say it's because they are now color, or because they had to shoot inside because it was raining on the day of her shoot.

She bandied about getting new shots, and I thought maybe we could kill a few birds with a couple of cameras. So yesterday morning, at the buttcrack of 10am, we went to see David Cross. Yes. He's very funny... No... He's voting for Obama... Ok... I don't know man... I'll see, but I'm not making any promises.

Sorry, I meant DAVE Cross. He's the photographer who took Erin's shots back in 2000 and incidentally, shot our wedding and made a dandy yearbook style album of it. Dave oozes talent. The first shot he took of me made me look fucking great. He's good, he's good.

He also had some choice words for little Miss Debra Lopez. I don't want to start a photographer fight, but he said when he used to do reproductions years ago, he would refuse to reproduce anything she shot. They were that bad. When she started, Debra knew nothing of photography, she literally picked up a camera and threw it at people. She had no clue.

The great part about digital photography is I get to pass the savings on to you, my loyal readers. Take look at the following link. Those are the 10-20 best shots he took of me yesterday. Leave a comment on which one you think should be my Headshot.

http://www.reproductions-online.com/RPU/hfaj/gtn18/fave1178802967268_01.html

I need your help. I have no taste, perhaps you can tell from my previous headshot?

WOW bits

Most of my day is still eaten up by the menace which is currently plaguing 8 million people all over the world. World of Warcraft. I recently coerced, with 2 parts mindless reiteration, 1 part marijuana, my buddy back into the addictive gameplay of his Human Warlock, Savagei. Like Christopher Moltesanti to a freebase session, he has gobbled up all the new Burning Crusade content with reckless abandon. My main is stalled at 65 while he's been at 70 for weeks. I just hope he doesn't shoot me when he realizes that he hasn't slept in four days and still hasn't bothered to change the pants he shat when he and his guild finally bests Illidan the Betrayer in the Black Temple next month. This resurgent junkie behavior may or may not be why he hasn't blogged in two months and doesn't have a job, but who am I to judge? Judy?

I play when I can, when I'm not doing comedy or playing basketball or at my weekly D&D game. But most of my time in front of this here cubicle computer is still spent researching the little bits of lore at wowwiki.com or searching for new addons at wowace.com or wowinterface.com. A couple of months ago, I channeled my dorkosity into writing an article about the addon community and the very real possibility of mod authors burning out on what is a very volunteer project. It went up at the Escapist last week and I'm proud of how it came out.

There have been rumblings of a big announcement from the Boys at Blizzard. A new game is in the works set in the Starcraft universe. For those of you who don't know, Starcraft was an RTS made in 1999 and is the greatest computer game ever made, if you are a Korean. Seriously, this is an American game which has become a NATIONAL FUCKING SPORT in Korea complete with rockstar gamers and huge televised matches with thousands of screaming fans. Most assumed that Blizz's new game was the much anticipated Starcraft 2, a sequel which would give them a break from the MMO juggernaught of WOW and a chance to get back to their RTS roots. But today, quite a few channels link to this story, it seems that Blizzard is in fact going to announce a new Starcraft MMO at its third Worldwide Invitational in Seoul, South Korea on May 19th. The article linked above mentions "well-placed" Blizzard sources. It's anybody's guess who the fuck that is but my money's on this guy.

World of Starcraft, eh? I'd buy that for a dollar. Many people assume that it will be a clone of the WOW gameplay but I think a highly polished space economic sim like EVE Online or the crafting of SW Galaxies is the niche MMO space Blizz will be aiming at. They don't want to compete with themselves, do they? They already have LOTRO to do that.

I stumbled upon a gallery with screenshots from the alpha phase of WOW's development. It's pretty cool to see how the game changed, most of the models were replaced and the UI was redesigned several times it seems. But I wish I could find this in the game still. "You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!"

And finally in the file labeled "Why the fuck not?" Blizzard has partnered up with Visa to bring the American consumer the most needless tie-in product ever conceived by humans: The World of Warcraft Visa Credit Card. Was it really necessary to poison every transaction with the taint of your WOW obsession? I can see nerds everywhere saying, "Sure, put it on my WOW card so I can rack up gametime." Really?


Really?




I applied the day it came out...

Hosting @ The Living Room, 5.11.07

Hey guys, I'll be hosting one of my favorite rooms in the city on Friday. The Living Room does a fun job of blending chai tea with real human tragedy. And by tragedy, I mean rapings, murderings and pillagings by rampaging(s) Mongol hordes.

Living Room
Postmark Cafe, 326 6th Street, bet. 4th and 3rd aves.
In Park Slope!
This Friday, 5.11.07! 8pm!
Free! Punctuation! Coffee!

Laugh Factory, 5.12.07

I will be laughing all the way to the Laugh Factory this weekend. For those of you who don't know, the Laugh Factory is where the capitalist pigdogs manufacture merriment and goodwill and sell it at exorbitant prices to the hard-working classes of the Third World.

It's also where Kramer got in trouble. But that was in LA. This is the New York sister club which is very close to all the titty bars on 8th Ave. But you know what they say, location, location, masterbation.

Laugh Factory
303 West 42nd Street, New York, NY 10036
7:30pm show!
12 bucks, 2 drinks!
Reserve: 212 942 9680
Don't buy those crazy tickets on the street, they tell me those "do you like comedy?" tickets won't be good for this show. Which of course means they hate comedy.

Cadaver Synod

You come across some crazy shit on the interwebs. I was just browsing around on that wikipedia this morning, and stumbled upon on article describing the scene pictured here. Apparently, in 897 A.D., a pope dug up the dead body of his predecessor, dressed it in papal robes and put the cadaver on trial. Pope Stephen (the new pope) had deacons stationed near the throne who would mutter the correct (guilty) responses to the new Pope's questions. The dead dude was found guilty, stripped of his papal vestments (which I presume were just put on him a few hours before), and then buried, only to be taken out of the ground again and thrown into the river Tiber.

This was all politcally motivated, I gather. There were several warring factions in Italy at the time and the Papacy was used as a tool to gain power. But seriously, who thinks digging up a body and having a mock trial is a good idea? Why not just give a speech damning the last guys actions, or even moving the body to a place with less prestige than the Basilica? Fuck it, why even bother with the whole religious charade and stop bothering people about it?

I know what Christians like my dad would say if I ever brought this up to him. He'd say you can't judge the present church or question the existence of God just because some awful things were done in the past. My response to that is, why the fuck not? These popes were crazy. According to dogma, they are supposed to be the corporeal link to God. Does that mean God condones digging up corpses and having a puppet show? No. It means the whole thing is a fallacy.

And I still can't understand why so many people fall for it.

Hard-Hearted Hannah

The play was set in the twenties, the roaring variety. It was fun to craft a play based on who I had available and the crazy criteria they threw at me. Rehearsing a play I just wrote in one of the actress's small studio (we're talking 8x10 here people) in the low-income housing built in the old Times Square Hotel is something I'll remember for a while. As I will also remember watching them perform it just a few hours later. They did the best they could with the difficult twenties slang, and the time they had to memorize it, but my god, it's hard to watch people viciously paraphrasing your shit just to get through the scene. But they ponied up, and finished with gusto. I'm proud of having done it.

The title is based off a Jazz age song most famously sung by Ella Fitzgerald. The play was a bit based off of it and I liked being able to use something to frame the idea. Of course, the sound cue got screwed up at the end so nobody heard the dang song but whatever. Here it is, you can listen to it now.

Fries are up!

Emerging Artist’s Theatre Presents:

FAST FOOD

Six Short Plays in Twenty-Four Twenty-three Hours

Written by

David Bell

Kevin Brofsky

Emily Mitchell

Gregg Pasternack

Greg Tito

Kathleen Warnock

Directed by

Paul Adams

Marc Castle

Mark Finley

Derek Jamison

Tzipora Kaplan

Rasa Allan Kazlas

Starring:

David Bishop

Christine Bruno

Roberto Cambeiro

Tracee Chimo

Glory Gallo

Brian Louis hoffman

Peter Levine

Stacy Mayer

Bill Reinking

Jackie Sydney

Staci Sweeden

And many more…

May 5th at 7:00pm
Theater 5, 311 West 43rd Street, 5th floor
For reservations, email EatTheatre@aol.com

or call 212 247 2429, or visit www.eatheatre.org.

Tickets may also be purchased in person on the day of the performance

Only $10 as a donation to Emerging Artists

Play update

So I'm here in the office of EAT awaiting my play assignment, surrounded by lovely catty theater people. They are busy gossiping about actresses I don't know who can't sing but are on Law and Order.

I'm home. Home.

The theater, the theater...

Even though I've been focusing on the comedy deal the past few years, my roots are in the crazy new york off-off-off-broadway theater scene. And even before I moved down to the city, I was steeped in theater all through high school and college. Some of my favorite memories involve lightning choreography sessions for Herod's number from JCS, writing obscene graffitti all over the set of Oklahoma and staying up for 36 hours straight building the set at Ivoryton Playhouse.

And this week, I'm bringing the theater back. This week, I will turn back into a theater dork. I will be quoting Monty Python and obsessing about gel pens with overweight stage manager chicks. I will be carrying around lekos and flicking my gerber. I will be slamming doors people and I will be a prima donna. I will be in black face.

The Decameron
Thursday, 5.3.07 @ 7pm
136 2nd Ave. (Betw. St. Marks and E9th)
I am working with my old friend, Oliver Butler, on making his company's new play get up on stage. The company is called The Debate Society, the play is called The Eaten Heart and it boasts the best promotional photo I've seen in years. They are holding a party/performance/fundraiser tomorrow and, not to meld worlds a little too much, there are quite a few comedians on the bill like Mike Birbiglia and Christian Finnegan. See you there.



Select Talent Showcase, with MC Julianne
Thursday, 5.3.07 @ 9:30 – 11:30 pm.
Broadway Comedy Club
318 W 53rd Street, b/w 8th 9th Avenue
Also on Thursday, I will be reuniting with my wife, Mrs. Morelli. Julie Giragosian, a high school classmate, actually is a performer and comedian here in the city and I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA. Well, I do now, and I will be busting out of the fundraiser to perform there. Cover is cheap, booze is flowing, and I will be dancing to the tune of "I Don't Kno How To Love Him."



Fast Food
Saturday, 5.5.07 @ 7pm
Emerging Artist Theatre
311 W. 43rd St, 5th Floor Between 8th and 9th Avenue.
The theater which ran my marathon comedy sessions last month is holding a timed playwriting festival. I'm a playwright, I get a few criteria on Friday night and I have to write a play in 12 hours. Then a director and actors rehearse it and it goes up on stage at 8pm on Saturday, a mere 24 hours after I got the assignment. Sound like a good time? It is. What's better than watching disasters? You can't take your eyes off 'em. So come to EAT on Saturday night to watch my train wreck and 6 other masterpieces.

Fantasy Team

Here's a little clip from a set I did at the Comedy Village on Thursday. It's a new joke, and I'm glad there were some fellow dorks in the crowd. I have to admit though, I'm being a little hypocritical here. I do have a fantasy baseball team. But my team blows, mostly because I don't know what the crap I'm doing. So I still got my dork street cred yo.



See you tonight at the Broadway. Show's at 7pm!

Greg On Broadway

Yes, I will be on Broadway. I will sing the songs, I will dance the dance and gyrate sexily with a flimsy dress that has lots of streamers. And I will be hot. Also, the songs will all be by ABBA or Billy Joel or Phil Collins. I haven't decided. Maybe Barry Manilow. He was great. He wrote the songs, you know.

I know the Broadway isn't anyone's favorite club but they put on a lot of comics and have a good relationship with Mr. Jim Gaffigan and other bigger comics, like Carrottop. And while they may be blowing smoke up my anal canal, they seem to like me. I need 10 people to come on Saturday so if you want to see some funny shit, tell your friends and rock out on Broadway.

Broadway Comedy Club4/28/2007, 7:00pm

218 West 53rd St., bet 8th and 9th, NY, NY

Cover: $15. Only $12 if advance reservation is made on VIP line: 212-252-4255