Thursday, February 22, 2007

Ah, videogames

So Rain Delay's got an interesting bit about videogames helping surgeons perform better. Well, duh. We're talking about manual dexterity here and any activity which reinforces the brain-hand connection will improve performance. Videogames, the first truly interactive medium, can and have been shown to actually help mental and physical development, despite being portrayed as a time-wasting endeavor. The news outlets, like the Fair and Balanced Fox news affiliates (who really believes that 24 interviews are news?), love to pick up the banner against any violent acts perpetrated by admitted gamers. "The videogames made them do it." It's the same that was said of the Beatles, Marilyn Manson, Ozzy Osbourne and Barney the Purple Dinosaur. The truth is that no song or movie or book or game can make someone commit awful acts of violence. Gamers are especially sensitive to this line of reasoning because they've seen such mindless discrimination from their mothers for years. But sometimes, this senstivity goes a little too far.

Take the case of the kid in Wisconsin who is in jail for murdering a homeless person. CNN ran an article about the case, highlighting a dangerous trend of sport killings amongst the kids of America. There have been many homeless people killed the last few years by teenagers, perhaps because of a lack of moral understanding and/or consequences by disposing of an unwanted member of society, ie. a smelly homeless dude. There is more to be said about the kid's sense of superiority over those less fortunate (most of the perpetrators are middle-class white kids) and the ability to exact their own perverted sense of justice. One could even argue that our country's stance on the world stage as a moral superior, able to wreak havoc on any state or individual for a perceived lack of character, is more to blame. Fuck Saddam, we're better, let's kill him. (insert "that smelly homeless guy" for Saddam and you'll get my point)

All of this would have passed my notice however if it weren't for one line in the CNN story.

Ihrcke told police that killing "the bum" reminded him of playing a violent video game, a police report shows.

That's it. One line in a 2000 word story. Who knew that one little throwaway jab at videogames would ignite such passion in the gaming community? At least 3 major gaming blogs have cited the CNN article as another attack against videogames. I agree with their stance. I laughed at the jokes at CNN's expense. Gabe from Penny Arcade makes a very funny rebuttal, citing the story claiming that one of the assailant's rubbed his own feces on the dead homeless man:

"[Rule #]4. Don’t take shit out of your butt and rub it on the hobo you just killed. To me this seems like the easiest lesson of all. My son is only two and already he’s coming to understand that “poops” belong in the potty. How did this kid get to the age of fifteen years old without learning this? Here’s how easy this one is:

Hey son, come here real quick.
Yeah Dad?
Don’t take shit out of your butt.
Sure thing Dad.


Done! How hard was that? What kind of crazy fuck takes poop from his butt and rubs it on someone?"

But I think the gamer reaction is a little extreme. I mean, the videogames thing wasn't even the lead on the CNN story. It was one line from a quote from the kid himself. Yes, that angle is overplayed in the media. Yes, that kid is a dipshit (or rather, a very smart dipshit) for bringing it up. But come on, let's not make a Jack Thompson case out of it. It seems that the gamer community is now guilty of some of the same inflammatory tactics that their opponents always use. Maybe it's worth it to muster this kind of outrage at every disparaging mention of videogames in the press. Maybe. But maybe if we start taking every quote from an obviously crazy fuck as a serious accusation against gaming, then we are also adding credence to that accusation. I'm just saying.

Videogames have enough demons to battle without creating new ones.

(And sometimes those demons threaten to destroy Azeroth and we have to travel through the Dark Portal to battle the Burning Legion on the shards of wasted Draenor. Yeah, I've been playing too much WOW again.)

And for those of you who still cling to the belief that videogames corrupt absolutely, read this letter from the stepmom of one of the teens jailed in the case. It's a crazy read.

http://www.penny-arcade.com/2007/02/21#1172088960

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Caroline's

So this is it: the triumphant return to where it all began. I will be performing a set next Monday . There will be hilarity all over the stage at the fanciest club this side 23rd Street. And some of that hilarity might even be from me and my crazy monkey lovebone. What? You'll see.

This show is cheaper than ever before. If you call 212.757.4100 and say my name, say my name, the cover is only 5 bucks. Make sure you mention it's for the 7pm show. You still have to get 2 drinks, but is that really a problem for anyone on this list? Hello? I drink 2 drinks for breakfast. And then spend the morning pooping them out.

For all of you without the google love, here's the stat block:

Caroline's
1626 Broadway between 49TH ST. & 50TH ST.
Feb. 26th, 7pm
Cover is $5 when you reserve, 212.757.4100

I hope you roll a 20 and I see you there.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Myspace works!

So my buddy and I were gchatting the other day and he was like, I think this is someone we know. Tru nuff, I jump over to the "mah space" and see none other than my ex-wife smiling back at me. Julie (as we called her then, and which is very different from Julianne) played my wife in our high school's production of Lend Me A Tenor. If you don't know, (and why would you really?) ...Tenor is about a philandering Italian opera singer, Tito Morelli, and the crazy mixups that happen when he comes to New York. It's a farce people, slamming doors, mistaken identities, black-faced Italians, wait what? How did we not get shot for that?

Julie played the Mrs. Morelli to my Tito (I swear I got cast just so there weren't two Titos in the room) and we were always fighting. On stage, not off. We had such great Italian accents, too. Julie won the CTC award for Best Supporting Actress for that role. What did I win? A big sandwich stuffed with Fuck You. (Actually, I won the nerdiest quartet of awards: Best set and set design for both the play and musical that year.)

Back when I first moved down to the city, this would be the pre-911 summer of 2000, I randomly ran into Julie in Union Square park. I was on break from my first gig as a P.A. at the Century Center. She was an intern for VH1 I think. She was still in school and we had a moment of, Greg? Julie? Weird. What are you doing here? I always remembered that chance meeting as a Welcome-to-New-York-Moment, no matter that you are in this crazy new bustling city full of millions of random souls, you will still see people who knew you were a drama dork in high school.

So it was nice to see Julie's mah space page and think back to all the crazy shit we did in high school. (We didn't have sex, no matter what that previous sentence implies.) As I scanned her page, I realized that she is still in the city. Not only that, she's a fucking comedian. Or comedienne, as the case may be. I've been doing this for two years, and it's a pretty small community. I can't believe that we haven't run into each other at all. It's seems like it's reverse dumb luck. We used up all our coincidence juice when we saw each other in Union Square.

Myspace helped us out and fought through all that bad coincidence mojo. This is maybe the first time that I've used that crazy site for actual god-damned social networking, instead of just cruising for hot 13 year olds like I usually do. Maybe my friend Tom actually knows what he's doing. I dropped Julie an email and she shot back an invite to be on her show at the Broadway in March. Here's the skinny (I'll prolly send an announcement later on but here's a tidbit):

March 15th from 9:30 – 11pm at the Broadway Comedy Club (318 W 53rd Street).
Regular Cover, two drink minimum.

It looks like she's booked more of a variety show, with singers and improv groups (OH MY!), so if you're thinking you want a little change of pace in the comedy stylings you should come on down.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Greg at Broadway Comedy Club, Sat. 2.17.07 @ 7pm

The name has changed but the fun remains the same. I'm doing a set at the Broadway Comedy Club this Saturday at 7pm, which used to be called the Improv, which used to be called the Improvisation, which used to be an airplane hangar, which used to be my playground. The club is making a lot of changes and I'm excited to be going back there. You should be too. There are pros always stopping by. Last time it was Jim Gaffigan and he signed my hot pocket: "To Greg, Stay crusty, love, Jim."

Saturday, February 17th, 7:00 p.m.Broadway Comedy Club, 318 W. 53rd Street (Between 8th and 9th Ave)Cover: $15. Only $12 if advance reservation is made on VIP line: 212-252-4261
You are all Very Important People, so make sure you call the VIP line. For all that VIPness.

I also just booked some sweet gigs in March. I'll be at Gotham on March 13th and will be at the Comic Strip Live for the first time on the 20th.

I love the UWS

The little underground club was full of wonderfully attentive and easy-laughing folk. There were so many giggling girls, I nearly had to crowd-surf in order to even get to the stage. The adoration of so many fans, who merely desired the chance to touch a piece of thread from my garment, was overwhelming and more than a little bit erotic...

When did I lose you there? Yeah, so there was about ten people, half of which were my friends. It ended up being a decent show, at least for me. I had some new shit about this wedding I went to last weekend that I was glad worked.

After my set though, that's when it got weird. One guy tried to reverse-heckle me from onstage. Note to all you aspiring comics out there, don't try to save your show by making fun of the one guy who was able to muster a few laughs. Especially if he's in the audience. And then don't try to spend the rest of your time talking to said comic, then getting mad at him for trying to crack a joke. I had to put my hands up, "Just do your set, man." That only made him more mad. Everyone I was with was uncomfortable too. One of them said to him, "I'll say anything you want, just stop talking to me!" I think that sums everything up pretty well.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Bad Words

Every once in a while, I see some moron write something that inspires a scathing backlash essay. My friend sent me this link this morning from my hometown newspaper in Connecticut. It involves many things which I hold dear, UConn basketball, Gampel Pavilion, and swearing profusely.

http://www.theday.com/re.aspx?re=38838b92-4244-42b7-b2e5-26f16600ef92

Here is my response, which I just emailed to the writer:

To Mr. Mike DiMauro:

RE: UConn Students Cross Line With Crass Behavior

I'm a UConn alum now living in New York. I've been following Huskies basketball for over 16 years and have been reading your writing in The Day for just as long. During that time, I've noticed your writing style degrade into simple, easy topics which the common reader in CT can consume without having their senior-citizen-values threatened. The pinnacle of which is the article a friend sent me this morning about UConn fans cheering at a game at Gampel. The piece is so fraught with fallacies that I'm not sure where to begin. According to your article, you expected this kind of a response, so I felt it was imperative that I indulge you.

The basic premise of your article is that you wish UConn fans, and sports fans in general, would resist the urge to cheer for their team. Or at least, they should only cheer in the way that you find acceptable. As long as we keep everything PG, the world is a better place. I whole-heartedly disagree with that attitude.

Today's organized sports grew out of the bloodsports of history, from Roman gladiatorial games to medieval jousting and combat. Watching the death of a criminal by hanging or otherwise was a common activity up until the 20th century. We, as a culture, have grown away from such profane entertainments, but there still exists a need in the human psyche for such exploits. We are fascinated by the unhealthy contest, the bitter struggling of individuals against any and all opponents. Our current fixation on reality TV proves this.

What does this have to do with UConn basketball? The contest of the two teams on the court can become an orgiastic experience for the spectator. I've been there. When I was a student, I had season tickets to the student section and rarely missed a game. I would yell anything that came to mind, such as "Kick them in the face!" or "Punch them in the throat!" I would even swear and use the f-word, if you can imagine. All of this behavior would increase my emotional involvement with the game. When UConn won, I would feel ecstatic. If they lost, melancholic.

Too often, I see fans sitting throughout the game, especially at the HCC. They only stand for the ceremonial first field goal, and then thereafter are planning to leave the arena with 10 mins left in the second half. These are the fans who cover their ten-year-old's ears from hearing the word "crackhead," as if they expected the game to be a showing of Happy Feet. Is this the behavior that you are encouraging? Or are you saying that fans should be raucous, but not too raucous? That is a difficult line to draw.

Perhaps the not-so-random shouting of fans (Paul Harris was actually indicted for drug sales and 3rd-degree assault) is actually a plea for an organized student section. I look at the Oakland Zoo in Pittsburgh and I wonder why nothing like that has grown at the University of Connecticut, which arguably has a program more steeped in basketball tradition than Pitt. Instead of suggesting the administration publicly censure the student fans in the Daily Campus, which I'm not confident would have the effect you intend, you could use your statewide circulation to call for a more organized and efficient cheering section.

Your article gets even more specious when you recommend Jim Calhoun write an email discouraging the use of expletives. You've been to many more games than I have, with a much closer vantage point to Calhoun's coaching style. Have you, sir, never heard Calhoun himself utter the dreaded f-word on the court? I have. Many, many times. Yet, in your piece, you say that he should be an advocate for decorum at Gampel. Perhaps you should, with all of your experience, tell Calhoun how he should coach a basketball game. I would cherish listening to his response for years to come. I bet he would drop some pretty big f-bombs on you.

Mr. DiMauro, you already named yourself many of the terms I might have used to describe your attitude so I will spare you any further name-calling. I will merely say that you are wrong. The behavior you suggest should be eliminated from the game is precisely what draws people to an athletic contest. We are not passively watching a movie or TV. The cheering or jeering of a crowd can actually influence the outcome of a game. It is why playing games in MSG or Cameron Indoor Stadium is infinitely more intense than at, say, the Hartford Civic Center. Gampel is the only arena UConn should play its games at because the student section is indeed raucous, supportive, loyal and occasionally profane. And that behavior helps the team win games.

Or did you want the Huskies to lose?



Let's see what happens. Maybe I'll be published in The Day tomorrow, maybe I'll never get a response. But somehow I feel a little better for having wrote that.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

WhoreCraft

So there I was, minding my own business and not looking at porn at work. Then BANG!, I happen upon this crazy mashup:



It's episodic pron content set in an Azeroth-like world with blood elves, hunters and rogues doing it from behind. No really, that's one of the episode titles. At first I thought it was kind of ridiculously derivative crap, but then I read an interview with the creator (?). He's been playing WOW for years while starring in and producing hundreds of porn videos. He wanted to combine his worlds. Hence, WhoreCraft. It makes perfect sense, if you think about it. The asthetic of warcraft is very much based in anime and its sensual conception of the female form. We all know night elves are hawt. It was inevitable really, given WOW's popularity, that someone would make the leap from sexy cartoons to real people screwing.

I haven't DLed the content myself yet, but I plan to tonight. It may be good, it may be crap. I'll let you know.


But all I know is, I spent way too much time looking at this stuff at my cubicle.

Whorecraft

So there I was, minding my own business and not looking at porn at work. Then BANG!, I happen upon this crazy mashup:



The World of WhoreCraft


It's episodic pron content set in an Azeroth-like world with blood elves, hunters and rogues doing it from behind. No really, that's one of the episode titles. At first I thought it was kind of ridiculously derivative crap, but then I read an interview with the creator (?). He's been playing WOW for years while starring in and producing hundreds of porn videos. He wanted to combine his worlds. Hence, WhoreCraft. It makes perfect sense, if you think about it. The asthetic of warcraft is very much based in anime and its sensual conception of the female form. We all know night elves are hawt. It was inevitable really, given WOW's popularity, that someone would make the leap from sexy cartoons to real people screwing.

I haven't DLed the content myself yet, but I plan to tonight. It may be good, it may be crap. I'll let you know.


But all I know is, I spent way too much time looking at this stuff at my cubicle. Should I set that as my desktop?

Why I love the internets

I was on friend's blog and noticed a new link to Neal Pollack's blog, author of Alternadad, that book I've seen all over bookstores in NYC. Scrolling down there, I see a bit about him responding to a critical review. I click and read the response. Then I go and read the original review by Lisa Carver. Then I click here for some of cutest shit ever captured by human beings. If we could harness the frenetic cute-energy of those videos a la Monsters, Inc., we wouldn't need to stabilize shit in the middle east.

And just like that, an hour of my life is gone.

Movies that were good when you were 6...

But kind of suck when you watch them now.

A not-so-comprehensive list:

  • The Neverending Story - I remember loving this delightful tale of the Nothing destroying all of Fantasia when I was a kid. I just watched it on netflix and I have to say, keep your nostalgia firmly ensconced in better fare. The ancient effects, nonsensical editing, and bad child acting, consisting of yelling every line "But that's impossible!", definitely ruin the meta-story. Why did I remember the Empress being hot? She was freaking 10 years old, what's wrong with me?
  • The Money Pit - The only funny part is when Tom Hanks is stuck in the floor and does that weird barking laugh. The rest is actually rather sad and reminds me too much of life in my crappy apartment, where my shower has tiles falling on my head on a daily basis.
  • Spies Like Us - Still has got some great moments with Chase and Akroyd, but the sequence at the end with the lasers and the missiles and the pudding pops are way too Reagan-era for me now. I used to love the Cold War, what happun?
  • Star Trek 3: The Search For Spock - I used to think this one went against the odd-numbered Trek films rule, wherein they all suck, and pulled off Kirk and the Gang's weird quest to save Spock from being dead. After watching it as a mature human being though, I have to agree with what Trekkies (and everyone else) knew 20 years ago. It sucks.

Add your own tales of the disappointment in your childhood's ability to critically analyze films in the comments.

Monday, February 05, 2007

A tale of two blogs

I've been doing a lot of work over at my comedy blog, scheduling shit and talking up my gigs. I still have a lto of work do on it, making it pretty and adding pics and video (don't even get me started on how much my myspace page sucks). I'm wondering if it even makes sense to have two blogs at this point. I mean, sure, it's nice to be able to post crap here that's on a more personal level, but that's part of the joy of blogging really, the baring of all your soul.

My dream is to have several urls which would point to the different aspects of my creative professional life. I'd have only one blog that I'd post to and give tags to each facet, like comedy, playwriting or producing. And the url producer.gregtito.com would only display blog entries with that tag. Is that even possible? Is it even necessary?

What think you, my loyal commenters?

Anyway, i thought I'd just point out to you that I do in fact have another blog, just in case you didn't know. There it is.

More SHOWS!

[Cue the dramatic music from the LOTR soundtrack, you know when the orcs are running through the forest... I'm a dork...{sigh}...]

As part of my domination plan, I've booked two more smaller shows in February. If my calculations are correct, taking into account the trajectory of Prince's nether regions and the curvature of Paula Dean's buttocks, a triangulation (or quadrulation really) of standup performances in the month of February will insure immediate commercial success. The comedy world is mine!

Underground Lounge, Friday, 2.9.06, 9pm
955 West End Avenue and 107th st.

This is for all you uptowners out there. I'm doing a set this Friday at everyone's favorite 15' x 9' room. There will be Columbia students and hot waitresses in attendance.

The World Famous (that's what they call it in their emails) Comedy Cellar, Thursday, 2.22.06, 6:45pm
117 Macdougal St, bet West 3rd and Minetta Lane

For those of you who prefer earlier weekday shows, here's an easy way to check out the Comedy Cellar. Seinfeld made this place popular in his doc and there are plenty of pictures to prove that he was actually there. Show's over by 9 so you can still go to work in the morning, with a little mo' pep in yo' step.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Coming back to the Caroline's fold, Feb. 26th


This was where it all started two years ago. Joni asked if I wanted to take a class in standup comedy. I said sure. Bang, two months later, I was performing hilarious jokes about video games and JFK's assassination on the stage at Caroline's. And now it's all coming full circle. I just booked a return show at the club for a Monday night and I have to bring 15 people. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? It is.

Here's the deal though, if you call 212.757.4100 and say my name for the 7pm show, the cover charge is only 5 bucks. That's pretty freakin cheap compared to the rest of the clubs in the city.
The show's only 2 hours so those of you who need to work in the morning can go to an early show and be home by 9:30pm.

How's that for a hard sell? I'm sending this out way early so you can put it on your calendars. Have you started a google calendar yet? My brother has. He has his plentiful social engagements, dogwalking duties and my comedy shows all on the same calendar. And you should enter the Web 2.0 generation too.

The deal:

Caroline's
1626 Broadway between 49TH ST. & 50TH ST.
Feb. 26th, 7pm
Cover is $5 when you reserve, 212.757.4100

Call NOW! Operators are standing by.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Greg's Triumphant Return to the (In)Famous Broadway(Improv) Comedy Club

I know it's freaking cold outside. Get over yourselves. You all thought that the whole winter was a wash and that we'd have 60 degree weather through March. And now that the temp. has dipped back to normal ball-shrinking levels, everyone in the city is like, "Ooh, it's so cold!" You know what? It's supposed to be cold out, it's freaking weather. Deal with it!

I was just trying out my edgy comic persona right there. What do you think? Too much? Am I too edgy? Like that guy --->

Last Friday, I had a great time at the Living Room in Park Slope. Abbi and Luke put on a great show for comics and do a pretty sweet comic turn themselves. Go here to check out upcoming shows at the Postmark Cafe, get yourself a chai tea (made with milk!) and laugh your ass off.

On Saturday the 17th of February, I'll be coming back to the Improv. Except that now it's called the Broadway Comedy Club. Which is different, but the same. Word on the street is that they have some pretty sweet deals in the pipeline with something called satellite radio and turnip salad. I'm not sure what either of those terms mean but I bet it's funny/lucrative.

The skinny:

DATE: Saturday, February 17th
PLACE: Broadway Comedy Club 318 W. 53rd Street (Between 8th and 9th Ave)
SHOWTIME: 7:00 p.m.Doors Open at 6:15 p.m.
Cover: $15. Only $12 if advance reservation is made here 212-252-4261

You know the drill, it's way cheaper if you call the number. I haven't been to this club in a while, so it would be cool to have a bunch of people there. Let me know if you want to have a great time on a Saturday night.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Bad Luck Streak

We all have the shit hit the fan sometimes, but I think I've had a pretty awful lot recently. Here's a bulleted list, in no particular order, of the crap that's happened to me in the last few weeks.

  • My Honda got hit while parked
  • Got speeding ticket while looking for new car
  • Bought a used car which so far doesn't have working heat (or a front grille, don't know how I missed that)
  • Missed playing in my basketball game last night because I was dealing with car crap
  • Had sore throat for the last week
  • Spent hours writing for this website only to figure out today that I will never get paid for any of it
  • Pissed off the guy running said website by apparently snarky emails which I thought were clear and mature
  • My new camera broke while I was in Russia
  • My filet mignon from said russian restuarant looked/tasted more like Fried Ratnon
  • Mephistopholes will never trust me to purchase cars again

I thought it would be a much longer list actually. Maybe my life's not as bad as I make it out to be. Yeah, right. And maybe I'm a Chinese Jet Pilot.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Love at the Living Room


The show at the Living Room this friday went swimmingly. The chai tea was boiling (with milk!), the espresso was squeaking and the comedy was flowing. I like the way they run shit down there in the Park Slope. With the lights on and the pretty people all arrayed before you, it's such a different atmosphere than any other room in the city. Me likes it.

Much thanks and love to Abbi and Luke for putting on the ritz.

A little happy linkage to all involved:

http://www.myspace.com/livingroomcomedy
The Myspace spot for all your myspace Living Room needs.

http://livingroomcomedy.blogspot.com/
Abbi & Luke are awesome about putting up pics here and plugging for the all the comics involved.

http://www.curlycomedy.blogspot.com/
Abbi's blog is quite hilarious. The slideshow presentation here is awesome, but I tell you, if you ever get see it live and on 'shrooms, it will totally blow your mind!

http://mccarthy.blog.com/
The red-headed monster made me laugh and shit my pants, which I'm still pissed about. You will get a dry-cleaning bill from me, Mr. McCarthy. Yes, you will.

http://lauramannino.com/
Laura lives in the sister neighborhood to my my own hipster haven, drunk and polish Greenpoint. She has my respect for being able to survive out there and not be addicted to Popov and pierogies. Maybe she is...

http://www.myspace.com/ruhbinmehta
Ruhbin went on right before me so I was in a mostly catatonic state but i do know he is mad that the Wii makes him exercise. I have to agree.

http://www.myspace.com/brendanfitzgibbons
Brendan did his best James Dean impression while Mastering the Ceremonies. Ok, he didn't exactly wear a leather jacket or drive motorcycles or anything but he did introduce every comic, and in the correct order too!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

What Bush can do to stop health care costing an arm and a leg

Interesting discussion going on at my brother-in-law's blog re: health care.

http://blog.chemacki.com/?p=201

Here's a tidbit:

I do have a problem with the amount of money those in the medical profession charge. For today’s visit, I literally spent 5 minutes with a physician’s assistant and was charged over $175. That’s over $2,100 per hour! What the @#&$! I’m sorry, but I have a real problem with that. I’m guessing the idea is that the $175 is an hourly charge. But I should not be charged for the 45+ minutes I spent waiting…while they also charged other patients for the same full hour as well. This is total bullshit. I don’t understand how this is even legal, but every doctor’s office does it. No wonder they all drive Mercedes and Porsches and live in 5000 square foot houses.

My response:

Here’s an idea, what if a hospital offered customers a monthly plan to use the services of their doctors. Say $200/month for unlimited services, with a deductible for major surgeries. Think of it as a finance plan for health care. That would save billions of dollars by wiping out the need for insurance. There are holes in that plan, of course (like what happens if you get injured while you’re out of town?), but I think it’s a start.

Car update

More news on the car, I got the accident report and the driver was actually a FEMALE. I know, I know, spare me the woman driver jokes, I've already made them all in my head.

And even though the car service company is insured, they are late on their payments and the policy was terminated as of 1/14/07. That's 3 days before the accident for those of you counting at home. And the place where I had the car towed hasn't yet estimated the damage on the car. It's been there almost a week. I just called to check what the damage is and Rusty or Ralphie or whatever the fucking guy's name is said he was looking for 91 Acura in the lot and couldn't see it. I told him I have a 91 Honda, not an acura. He said, "Oh." Maybe he'll call me back today, maybe not. It doesn't really matter at this point.

I'm paralyzed. I can't make a claim on somebody who doesn't have insurance. And I can't file anything with small claims court because I don't know what the damage is.

You know what time it is?

Hurry up and wait...

...


...


stilll waiting...


...







...

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Never liked that car anyway

There it is. My car was smashed by a drunk car service driver in Brooklyn. I didn't even find out about it until I happened to glance down the street. I thought, "Huh, why is my hood open?" Then I knew. I rushed down the block to find the little as yet unnamed Honda crushed on two fronts, shards of colored plastic on the ground surrounding it.

Ironically, the car was parked in front of a bar. I went in, slightly in shock, and asked the first waitress I saw what had happened to my car. She looked at me like I was crazy. "Didn't you notice the car smashed up right outside?" "What?" was all she could muster. I looked for a bartender. He said that he wasn't working when it happened, by he heard from the previous tender that my Honda got hit the night before, almost 20 hours before I first noticed it.

I called 911, they sent a patrol car full of veteran cops with perfect Brooklyn accents. "Oh yeah, that happened last night as I was finishing up my shift. They arrested the guy, DUI." The precinct had an accident report filed already but the helpful clerk I spoke to there said she couldn't give me any information about the case. "It's just our policy." I don't have collision on my car, it's not worth anything so why waste the money? But because this crap wasn't my fault, I might be able to collect from the drunk dude's insurance. Problem is, I can't find out what his insurance company is because the cops won't tell me until the accident report is processed. We're talking weeks here.

So I got the thing towed. AAA was a pain because they wouldn't let me tow it if the car hadn't already been moved from the scene of a crime. Apparently, if the cops had deigned to move the Honda ten feet, then it was legal for AAA to move. If not, which the cops were too lazy to do, then it was illegal. I talked to the supervisor at AAA for fifteen minutes until I was like, "Can we just start this conversation over with me saying that the car had been moved?" To his credit, whether he knew it was an asinine bureaucratic policy or if he was just annoyed with talking to me , he capitulated and sent the truck.

Luckily, as the car was being towed, a random hipster came up to me and told me that his SUV was the vehicle that my car was pushed into (there's barely a scratch on his bumper, BTW.) He was at the scene when it happened, and filled in a few blanks for me. The car was indeed a livery car. The dude was indeed arrested. He apparently swerved to avoid hitting something, rear ended my parked car, which then smashed into his car. He gave me his card and said he took a bunch of photos. He emailed them to me the next day, the pic at the top is his.

I played detective for the next day or so, trying to track down who hit my car. The livery guy's license plate number was on one of the helpful hipsters pictures. I went to this site and searched for it. The car is registered to Saleem Motors, which has an address and phone number listed in Long Island City. Problem is, the number is never answered and goes to a fax machine eventually. Who knows what's going on there? I could drop by the address, it's not that far, but it's cold out, and there's prolly nobody there.

So I'm playing the waiting game. I can't do anything until the report is available. My car is being stored at an auto body shop and will get estimates done on it on Monday. I'm pretty sure it's toast. Look at this photo, the radiator and grill are smashed, the hood is gone and the battery is dislodged. The car only has a blue book of about $1400 anyway. Repairing it is going to cost way more than that. I've started looking for new cars in the hood. These look promising but I kinda wish I had something right now. You don't realize how much you use a car in the city until you can't.

The frustrating thing is that in no way is this my fault (I wasn't even in the car) but somehow I know that I'll be the one penalized. One day I had a perfectly working car. The next, it's gone. Fucking bullshit.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

An event

So I was there in Midtown at the Best Buy on 5th and 44th. I left my apartment in brooklyn around twenty minutes before. Driving over the williamsburg bridge was a relative breeze. As I drove through the First Avenue tunnel and swung around so that I could go down Fifth, I was worried that I was too late. I mean, I had worked it out so that I would be at the store just as they opened their doors. Would I be too late? Would I not be able to purchase a copy of the first World of Warcraft Expansion Pack, The Burning Crusade? Or even worse, would I be forced to stand in line for hours, enduring the city's new found winter wind, and not be able to obtain a Collector's Edition of the aforementioned electronic entertainment product? I'm sure you are riveted.

There was a line of like-minded dudes who couldn't bear to wait until daylight on the day of the pack's release. It wasn't that crazy, maybe about 150 people. The thing that struck me was how the crowd was a complete cross-section of the city's population. Every race and/or age group was represented. There was a couple in their thirties with their 9 year old son. I saw several twosomes of run of the mill dudes wearing barn jackets and bad leather shoes. Ten feet behind me there was a Yo with a visor on backwards and upside down who was talking loudly into his cellphone about having kicked ass at a WOW trading card game tournament. A few hetero Asian couples bought their copies to ostensibly continue playing together. I saw a man in his fifties standing in line wearing an enormous black cowboy hat. There was a tiny Mexican right behind me wearing a Yankees cap (I was wearing my Sox colors, funny how WOW brings us all together.) We chatted a bit as we watched the customers ahead of us carting out multiple copies of the game. "What the fuck, how could they let them buy ten copies?" Both of us were worried that the store would run out of Collector's Editions (CEs) before we got in there. We never mentioned baseball.

I got inside, and on an impulse bought two CEs. I thought I'd be able to use one and ebay the other. I mean they are up there. I drove home and my wife, Mephistopholes, promptly made fun of me for the dork I am.

Then because I hate myself, I stayed up until 2 or 3 installing the game and looking all the neat things in the CE. I'm going to go home after work and rub it all over my body. If you're lucky, I'll post the pics.

Someone call a dentist, it's going to be a long night

This is probably the coolest thing I've seen constructed out of gummi bears, toothpicks and Nerds. A whole lot of nerds.

http://missedmanners.wordpress.com/2007/01/12/what-i-did-over-christmas-vacation/

Friday, January 12, 2007

Just in case you were unclear

Blizzard Entertainment, Inc. announced today that World of Warcraft®, its
subscription-based massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG), is
now played by more than 8 million gamers around the world. World of Warcraft has
also achieved new regional subscriber milestones, with more than 2 million
players in North America, more than 1.5 million players in Europe, and more than
3.5 million players in China.

World of Warcraft is huge. In case you weren't listening, they just announced that they have over 8 million subscribers. 8 million! That's freaking huge. Just to put that in perspective, Everquest, SOE's POS, topped out at around 500,000. That's like 6% of the numbers that WOW has now. And that's right before they will have a huge surge of new fanboys because of the expansion coming out next week. Expect the next announcement to top 10 million. We have an epidemic on our hands, ladies and gentlemen. And the only cure is some Strong Anti-Venom, or maybe a Healing Potion Injector.

Read the full press release: http://www.blizzard.com/press/070111.shtml

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Your nerd score

40.476190476190474% of me is a huge nerd! How about you?

I find myself a bit chastened. This test was actually pretty hard. For most of the questions, I had no idea what book/movie/show they were even referencing. Post your scores and let me know how your nerdness compares to mine.

Your nerd percentage

40.476190476190474% of me is a huge nerd! How about you?

I find myself a bit chastened. This test was actually pretty hard. For most of the questions, I had no idea what book/movie/show they were even referencing. Post your scores and let me know how your nerdness compares to mine.

Monday, January 08, 2007

New look

I'm making some changes to gregtito.com. First off, I think I'm now in the new version of blogger which is ruled by google. Not exactly sure what that means but it's a little easier to move stuff around and design the page like I want. And since I've forgotten more about html than it will ever be necessary to know, it's not a crappy deal.

The big thing that's new is this little calendar thing. Google calendar is freaking the bomb. You should all use it. Click that little button down there and you can add all the events in my comedy show calendar to your own calendar. See how that works? Now you are as internet savvy as that nerdy Asian dude in IT. In fact, you may even be nerdier.

I'll see to it that every time you come here, I rub a little bit of my nerd juice onto you, my loyal fans. Just, cuz I'm that guy.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Haven't done this in a while

but it's time for some linkage:

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/animator

An internet saavy friend of mine sent this over. It's a great little movie of a flash creation taking over a flash animator's workspace. And when I say flash, I mean, you know, Flash.


Gameknot is a great chess site and has consumed many hours of my work day. It's free, unless you want to upgrade to a special metal-based membership. Games are very easy to set up, especially if you like the low stress of only having to make one move every 7 days. I prefer the longer ones so if I forget to log in over a weekend I don't end up timing out. It's a fun diversion, with a lot of features including rankings, guilds (teams I think actually), game database of millions of possible moves, openings database and personal messaging. My username is jinglehopper, send me a challenge.


World of Warcraft's first expansion comes out a week from today, January, 16th, 2007. If you're not excited about the Burning Crusade, then you're no friend of mine. Go to the link above to download the opening cinematic (I recommend the flash viewer unless you want to wait hours for the bittorrent) which will play when you first boot up the game after waiting in line for 9 hours at your local Best Buy or Nerd Store. If that doesn't get your nerd juices flowing, then, sir, you never had a nerd heart.


The WOW community is ramping up for the new content so I thought I'd give a little shoutout to the fansites I check the most. Worldofwar.net has been around forever. It actually grew out of a Warcraft III site I used to check and is part of the LoadedInc network or something. The site is a great resource for the latest news about World of Warcraft, highlighting quotes from Blizzard or other fansites. The Admins are from Britain so they pay attention to both the EU and North American servers. In addition to news, they have a great database of guides and info about the game that I have checked countless times. The profession FAQs are especially useful.


These sites offer similar functionality. In the game, there are thousands(millions?) of different items. Some are junk and can be sold off, but most have some sort of purpose whether for a quest or for crafting purposes. Thott has been around since early beta in 2004, and has proved invaluable to me and everyone else who is trying to figure out where crap like Breath of Wind drops. The quest database and commenting system is indispensable. In typical outsourcing web 2.0 style, if the information you need isn't gleaned from thott's bot, chances are a fellow player has already given you the info in the comments. Wowhead is fairly new and offers a more streamlined interfacethan thott, although it doesn't have the years of user comments support that thott does. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, most of the comments are informative due to heavy administration. They weed out the "leetz hunter weapon!" crap that you sometimes must wade through on Thottbot. Wowhead also has extensive Burning Crusade info mined from the Beta including new recipes, spells, talents and items.


Just what you expect, it's a wiki of all Wow related material. It has great articles on nearly every facet of the game but I sometimes like to just read through the lore pieces. Sometimes you really just want to know the story behind Detheroc, dreadlord of the Burning Legion.


These sites are all concerned with customizing the interface of WOW. The original look of the game is great but there is just something tantalizing about being the complete master of my gaming experience. Using these mods, written by wow players and amateur programmers, I can go from this, to this,

The difference is huge (in a French pixie voice from Pulp Fiction.)

Thursday, January 04, 2007

A New Year of Comedy starting on January 10th at Gotham

Another year is upon us. Ho hum. Am I the only one who is surprised we spend so much time celebrating what is basically an arbitrary moment picked by some Romans almost 2300 years ago? Look it up. I mean, it's important and all, but it's just a randomly numbered day to commemorate a newly numbered year.

I prefer to give my years names, not unlike the Chinese with their Year of the Monkey's Ass and so forth. 2006 was The Year I Learned I Was A Robot. 2007 has several titles in the running, including The Year of the Cockpunch, Jesse's Year and Goodbye, Mr. Crankypants. Of course, with my arbitrary naming system, I reserve the right to change all year titles whenever the crap I want. Also, my years start on January 10th, just to be a dick.

To commemorate my own personal new year, I'm going to be performing at Gotham next Wednesday. There will be the usual crazy lineup of hilarious dudes and dudettes there plus the random stoppers-by of more famous people. I've heard a rumor that Robin Williams and Richard Pryor (no really) will be there trying out some new stuff. But you know, that could just be industry hearsay. Come on down to find out just how full of shit I really am.

Gotham, 23rd bet 7th and 8th
Wednesday, January 10th
8:00pm
$12 cover, 2 drinks
Call 212-367-9000 to reserve a seat and say my name. (say my name, say my name...)

PS. I have a new day job so I'll be sending all my stuff through gmail now. I'm sending an invite through google calendar. Let me know if it's cool or not. I hope soon there'll be integration with blogger and everything nerdy like that. It will indeed be a geek o rama here at the Greg Tito Comedy Store.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Holidaytime

I like it. Last weekend was fun with my family and this weekend is fun with the inlaws (so far). I got bombed last night with my father-in-law drinking chilled Grey Goose. That's always a good sign.

So my new job starts on Tuesday. I'm a quiver with anticipation as I think it will give me the oppurtunity to post more here and write more often. My old job, as bad this sounds, was taking up too much of my time. The whole point of having a day job in front of a computer, IMHO, is so that I can work on the things I really care about while earning money from the man. The new job will be able to that much more efficiently. At least I hope so. It's hard to determine that during the interview process.

Interviewer- Do you have any questions for me?

Me- Um, will I be able to jerk off on the internet?

Interviewer- Yes. I do it all the time.

Me- Sold!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

What else are blogs for?

I officially quit my job three minutes ago. I was nervous and anxious all day because I knew I would have to tell my bosses I was out the door on January First like so many New Year's Resolutions. It is liberating. The copier doesn't work you say? Fuck you. You need some staples? Buy your own, bitch. The next two weeks are going to be awesome...

Of course, I'm just going from one corporate chump job to another but at least I'm doing it of my own free will. These a-holes were the first to hire me into this white slavery, and for that I thank them, but it's time I moved on from the lowest rung.

For posterity's sake, I am reprinting my resignation letter here. Ps. None of the names were changed to protect anyone. These are actually the fuckheads I work for.

Bob Jingle
*** Bedford Ave.
Brooklyn, NY 11211


Charles Fuckstick
The Bear and the Bull
Internal Audit Department
*** Park Ave
New York, NY 10022

December 19th, 2006


To Mr. C
harles Fuckstick:

Please accept this letter as formal resignation of my position as administrative assistant with The Bear and the Bull's Internal Audit Department.

Friday, December 29th, will be my last day of employment with the company.

I want to thank you for the opportunity to work with such a magnificent organization of enlightened, supportive, and creative individuals. It is sad to leave, but you are all flaming ass-mongerers. Fuck you, I'm out.

Sincerely,



Bob Jingle
Administrative Assistant


cc

Marvin Poopmaster
Bob Jewtard
Marshall McLuhan
Brent "I Touch Girls" Hamfist

Monday, December 18, 2006

They Actually Are Giants!




On Saturday, I saw a band perform that has not forgotten that rock can be fun. Too much of our modern musical landscape is a dreary melancholic mess. There's really only so much that can be said about love unrequited or being cheated on.

They Might Be Giants have a few songs about that shit (I think), but most of their subjects are obscure references to 19th century presidents, Belgian painters or the classification of species.

I'll write more on the show later but for now, look at this monkey:

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

MLB.com

The other day, my friend forwarded a job listing to me for MLB.com. Basically, they are looking for beat writers for each of the 30 MLB teams. While I would love to cover the Sox, I don't really want to move to Boston any time soon.

Anyway, here's what I wrote to apply to be a writer here in NY.


Dear MLB.com,

I love baseball. I grew up a Red Sox fan in the embroiled border state of Connecticut where half my peers remember 1986 with ectasy, the other half with despair. My family would take annual trips to Fenway, mostly at my insistence since neither of my forebears were very much into sports. I remember the feeling of the old Fenway, before the boxes and the Monster seats, with reverance and I still keep a special place in the cockle of my heart for anyone named Duey, or Marty, or Spike.

More recently, living in New York for the past six years has kept me on the front lines of the greatest rivalry in sports. I follow each game and hot stove rumor with the glee of a kid waiting for Christmas morning. And while I get to go to Fenway less often than I'd like, I have embraced the Mets as the lesser of the NY evil empires. Pedro's defection only made my affection for the Amazin's grow, despite Boston Dirt Dogs feeble cries for all Red Sox Nation to damn him. And now that the 20 year Anniversary season is past, it's time to let bygones get the hell out of dodge and start writing for MLB.com covering the Mets.

I've been a writer all my life. I've written videogame articles under deadlines for The Escapist Magazine and Next Generation, but nothing is as tight a deadline as performing stand up comedy here in New York as I have for the past 2 years. If you don't have material before you go on, you're screwed.

I'm excited to meet with you to discuss my credentials. Contact me via my cell, 917.***.****, or email me at ****@*****.***. Talk to you soon.

Sincerely,

Bob Jingle



That job is mine!!!!!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Underground is where it's at

Had a good time at the Underground last Friday. Met a lot of nice comic people, and even did well with a mic in my hand.

I have a guest spot coming to me up there two Fridays from now on the 15th. More on that later.

But for now, I have to ditch my office holiday party and have some people read a script of mine.

Welcome gregtito.com people

So now this blog is the destination for redirects from gregtito.com.

This is good thing.

Although temporary.

Eventually, I will have a wham bang website that will combine all of my various pursuits under one deftly designed and amazingly implemented website, full of bells, whistles and something called flash. Or is it Flash?

For now, bask in the goodness that is gregtito.com.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Thanksgiving Comedy GOLD!

Thanksgiving is the time of love and rejoicing in the wonder of living another year. It’s the time to rest after all the hard work of the harvest, and to enjoy the bounty of … Never mind, I lost it there. I couldn’t keep up that line of crap, even though I was being, you know, ironic. The truth is I’m doing another little gig on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and I thought I needed to at least mention the fact that the holiday loomed over the rest of the week like a Turkey Phantom. In all honesty I don’t care what time of year it is. I just had that itch to get up in front of complete strangers (and some good friends) and say some funny crap into a microphone.

Come on down and give thanks before you give thanks by drinking a few and laughing your ass off.

  • When: Tuesday, November 21, 8:00pm
  • Where: The Gotham Comedy Club, 208 W. 23rd Street, bet. 7th and 8th
  • What: funny stuff
  • How: Call 212.367.9000 and make a reservation
  • How much: Cover charge is $12 with a 2 drink minimum.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

How I learned to stop worrying and love open mics.

Open mics are always fun.

That statement is completely false. Sometimes.

Confused? Me too. But that's what being a standup comic in NY is all about.

When I first started performing, I tried to go to at least one open mic a week. My standup buddy, who I will call Joni, because that's her real name, was very good about forcing me bully up. We'd go to places like the Village Lantern or the Comedy Cellar, get our names on a list and do our schtick. It was great getting stage time, with a real microphone in hand on a real stage in a real comedy club. There was also the chance to interact with others of my ilk.

But that was also the major drawback. The only people in the audience at open mics were other comics. And they are a notoriously jealous bunch. They don't laugh. At least most of the ones who were in the audience when I did my set didn't laugh. But I knew my jokes were at least a little funny, because I would do them in front of paying crowds at Caroline's or whatever and people would die. It got really frustrating. There was one especially awful night where I went last at a open mic at the Village Lantern and bombed riotously (I remember I had a whole bunch of subway jokes that should have KILLED), then met Joni at Joe's around the corner to do another open mic. I went on at midnight and bombed spectacularly again, with what I thought were my "good" jokes. All five of the dudes left in the club at that point just stared at me, blankly. They offered no support, other than their drunken, silent presence, which, frankly, didn't help me think I was very funny. Then after walking uptown fifteen blocks to the L train, only to find that it had shut down at midnight, I proceeded to shoot myself through the face. And then walk home over the Williamsburg Bridge. I got home at 2:37am, a bleeding, sobbing mess.

There was also the time issue. Open mics are a huge timesink. Even if you sign up ahead of time via email or whatever, you have no idea when you'll be able to go on. So you show up at 8, get on the list, and sometimes you're stuck there until 10 or 11 before you get your fucking 4 minutes. This can be a good thing, if the comics are good. It's possible they may even inspire a few jokes of your own. I laugh more than the average comic at other people's stuff. But more often than not, the sad morons who go up at these things are just trying to work out their personal problems, more than actually being funny. The time spent wading through amateur ventriloquists, lonely alcoholics and wannabe fratboys can be considerable. And with my serious World of Warcraft addiction, I don't have tons of time to waste.

So I stopped going. To open mics. I didn't feel like they really helped that much anyway. I decided to concentrate on doing bigger bringer shows every once in a while. This meant I was performing less, but the shows alway meant something.

Then last Monday, after my well documented bout of depression, I decided to go the Underground Lounge near Columbia, otherwise known as way too fucking far. I drank a shitload of coffee, wrote same new material about daylight savings time (HILARIOUS!) and drove up there.

I loved it. I felt like I was back in the swing again. Even my wife, Mephistopholes, she was like, "You go to one open mic and suddenly you're all happy again." I don't know if it was the fact that I was writing new material, or that I got to perform it and it wasn't awful, or that I felt like I was part of a scene, the sad comic scene. The other thing was that I wasn't nervous. In my comedy youth, I would get so frightfully nervous getting up in front of people, even open miccers, that I would shake or stutter on stage. But I memorized all my new jokes in an hour and didn't care if I got them right or not.

It was a great feeling.

I went back last night and I plan on doing more.

How I learned to stop worrying and love open mics.

Open mics are always fun.

That statement is completely false. Sometimes.

Confused? Me too. But that's what being a standup comic in NY is all about.

When I first started performing, I tried to go to at least one open mic a week. My standup buddy, who I will call Joni, because that's her real name, was very good about forcing me bully up. We'd go to places like the Village Lantern or the Comedy Cellar, get our names on a list and do our schtick. It was great getting stage time, with a real microphone in hand on a real stage in a real comedy club. There was also the chance to interact with others of my ilk.

But that was also the major drawback. The only people in the audience at open mics were other comics. And they are a notoriously jealous bunch. They don't laugh. At least most of the ones who were in the audience when I did my set didn't laugh. But I knew my jokes were at least a little funny, because I would do them in front of paying crowds at Caroline's or whatever and people would die. It got really frustrating. There was one especially awful night where I went last at a open mic at the Village Lantern and bombed riotously (I remember I had a whole bunch of subway jokes that should have KILLED), then met Joni at Joe's around the corner to do another open mic. I went on at midnight and bombed spectacularly again, with what I thought were my "good" jokes. All five of the dudes left in the club at that point just stared at me, blankly. They offered no support, other than their drunken, silent presence, which, frankly, didn't help me think I was very funny. Then after walking uptown fifteen blocks to the L train, only to find that it had shut down at midnight, I proceeded to shoot myself through the face. And then walk home over the Williamsburg Bridge. I got home at 2:37am, a bleeding, sobbing mess.

There was also the time issue. Open mics are a huge timesink. Even if you sign up ahead of time via email or whatever, you have no idea when you'll be able to go on. So you show up at 8, get on the list, and sometimes you're stuck there until 10 or 11 before you get your fucking 4 minutes. This can be a good thing, if the comics are good. It's possible they may even inspire a few jokes of your own. I laugh more than the average comic at other people's stuff. But more often than not, the sad morons who go up at these things are just trying to work out their personal problems, more than actually being funny. The time spent wading through amateur ventriloquists, lonely alcoholics and wannabe fratboys can be considerable. And with my serious World of Warcraft addiction, I don't have tons of time to waste.

So I stopped going. To open mics. I didn't feel like they really helped that much anyway. I decided to concentrate on doing bigger bringer shows every once in a while. This meant I was performing less, but the shows alway meant something.

Then last Monday, after my well documented bout of depression, I decided to go the Underground Lounge near Columbia, otherwise known as way too fucking far. I drank a shitload of coffee, wrote same new material about daylight savings time (HILARIOUS!) and drove up there.

I loved it. I felt like I was back in the swing again. Even my wife, Mephistopholes, she was like, "You go to one open mic and suddenly you're all happy again." I don't know if it was the fact that I was writing new material, or that I got to perform it and it wasn't awful, or that I felt like I was part of a scene, the sad comic scene. The other thing was that I wasn't nervous. In my comedy youth, I would get so frightfully nervous getting up in front of people, even open miccers, that I would shake or stutter on stage. But I memorized all my new jokes in an hour and didn't care if I got them right or not.

It was a great feeling.

I went back last night and I plan on doing more.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Coming out

The cover story for the November issue of Wired is about the New Atheism. One of the authors it profiles is Richard Dawkins, a biologist from Oxford. He not only believes there is no God, he believes that faith in such a deity, as well as passing this faith to one's forebears, is an inherently evil act. While I kind of share the article writer's view that this sentiment is just as extremist as the fundamentalist extremists (I don't believe you can fight fire with fire in this case,) Dawkins shits out one soundbite that struck a chord with me:
I think [atheists] are in the same position as the gay movement was in a few decades ago. There was a need for people to come out. The more people who came out, the more people had courage to come out. I think that's the case with atheists. They are more numerous than anybody realizes.
Dawkins does have a point. People are often scared to say they are atheists, or considering atheism, because they don't want to potentially offend believers. My wife and my father have both said to me separately that I shouldn't make jokes about religion on stage. And I've noticed that people do get uncomfortable when I mock religion, even if they theyselves don't believe in it. It's effectively taboo to talk about belief in nothing. Why is that?

Consider this my outing. Now I'm off to go wax my butt and get a facial.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Inability to rationalize

I think the thing with depression is that it quickly becomes uncontrollable. Everyone feels depressed at some point in their lives, even so-called happy people. You fail a test, you get yelled at by your superior, it rains on your wedding (or a black fly in your... nvm), shit happens. And people feel sad. But then you get better. Something cheers you up. Or you forget about what bothered you.

But what I'm feeling is different. I feel anxious or nervous for no real reason. I can try to figure it out, as most of what that post was trying to do. I'm definitely not happy with what I've done with my life, that's for sure. But someone else could look at my position and say, what the fuck? This guy's got nothing to be depressed about. I have a somewhat loving wife, a decent paying job, a good group of friends and a family who's mostly healthy. That's all true. And I know that, on some level, my life is probably pretty great. I try to tell myself that when I start to feel like shit. And while that used to work when I was younger, the power to rationalize away these feelings has dwindled to nil.

That's my problem.

Of course, today, I feel fine.

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Wonders of Web 2.0

There's now a website which can solve all your mental health problems of doubt and depression.

MOODGym

Joy. Consider me cured.

It's a little dorky and British and a tad bit too survey-based for my tastes, but it's interesting. The basic premise is that unhappy people interpret events and feelings with a negative bias and happy people interpret them with a neutral or positive bias. Which makes sense, I guess.

The weird thing with me is that I think I used to be pretty firmly in category B. Things didn't bother me, and, if something really bad did happen, I always seemed to think it was unchangeable so there was no point in worrying about it. I took criticisms well, or at least I ignored them, and that seemed to be ok. I was also genuinely happy with other people and was able to forge a strong group of friends.

What changed? I do not know.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Let's talk about feelings

I pretty much battle self-doubt, guilt and depression on a daily basis.

I can't pinpoint when it started happening. I don't think there was a specific event, although I could point at my production company dissolving 2 years ago as a big one. But then there's chicken and egg shit there. Did it all fall apart because of my self-doubt, guilt and depression or did those feelings appear because of its demise? Whatever.

The fact remains that I am 28 years old and I have accomplished nearly nothing since graduating from college. I've had a few bright spots here and there. I did this, I got this, I am one of these. But overall, I consider myself a failure. I didn't think 6 years out that I'd be in a nowhere job, pushing paper around in an industry that I care nothing about. I mean, I hate the business world. Wait, that's not true, I don't hate it. I just have no interest whatsoever. People meantion stocks, bonds, derivatives, risk management, confirmations, audit reports and I have no idea what they are saying. It's like they open their mouths and huge logs of shit come out. These words enter my consciousness and leave in the same instant. I don't care. I don't know what they mean and I don't really care to find out. I walk the halls at my job and my eyes just glaze over with salty tears of boredom. I care about so many other things. I love to read about history and fantasy and maps and geography and science and computers and countless other things. I spend copious amounts of time staring at wikipedia and reading random articles about self-fellatio and the battle of Iwo Jima. But if it has to do with money that isn't mine, I do not care one iota. I have more interest in taking a shit, tying my shoes and the mechanics of a paper cut.

Maybe that's part of the problem. My job is unfulfilling. But that was the point, wasn't it? To have a good-paying job I don't care about so that I could pursue my other various unprofitable interests. I thought working here would finance my dreams. And maybe it does to a certain point. But I find I'm actually doing less art than I was before. I'm writing more maybe, but I feel I haven't produced anything. I don't know. I'm trying to get a new job where I can breathe easier amongst more creative people. Like publishing or even advertising. Anything. That should help.

But that's not what I think about when I feel guilt, self-doubt and depression. All I think about is how everything I do sucks. I can't write anything which people even pretend to like. How can I be a writer if everything I write sucks? But is that just my perception? I wrote something for this magazine, and when it was posted this week, I found that the last couple of paragraphs were almost completely rewritten. Is it because they didn't agree with my viewpoint and wanted to edit it up some to be in more in line with their position? Or is it just the fact that I suck? I'm leaning towards the suckage.

But that's also my mind trying to rationalize what I feel. When I feel self-doubt, guilt and depression, it doesn't make any rational sense. I have no idea why I'm feeling what I'm feeling. My chest tightens up. Anxiety bubbles. I feel like I'm missing a deadline. A meeting that somebody called which I completely forgot about. I feel it sitting at my desk. I sometimes feel it walking to the bathroom. There's no reason for it. Which scares me even more.

I never felt this way when I was younger. I was cocky, confident and a blast to be around. Now I'm moody, mean, and unfunny. I have trouble coming up with smalltalk. I constantly think that I'm boring other people, or am just annoying. Maybe I was an asshole all along. And I'm just now becoming aware of it.

You want to hear something funny? I'm even doubting this crappy fucking post right now. I think about my audience of nil, and wonder if this diatribe will bore the non-existent people who aren't reading this blog. This crap is getting out of hand.

What do I do? Do I get drugs? Do I talk to a doctor? What? That depresses me even more. That I need to self-medicate because I can't cope. We all self-medicate I guess. I drink, I smoke. And when I do I feel moderately better. Or at least I forget my self-doubt, guilt and depressions for however long the drug lasts. Is that what Paxil does? Prozac? Should I go on Lithium, just for kicks?

Or should I just get off my ass and accomplish something?

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Things I notice

With digital cable, the name of the show you just flipped to is displayed on the bottom of your screen. I love this feature and find I can't live without it when I go to the backwards country of crappy analog cable like Afghanistan or Topeka.

But the display only has so much text available before it gets an elipse. Usually, this doesn't matter. It's only when I flip to that new show from CBS that things get a little weird and the display reads:

The New Adventures of Old Christ...

Someone please do a photoshop mockup of Julia Louis-Dreyfuss hanging on a cross. Please, for the love of Old Christ, make it happen.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Jack Bauer attempts to get a haircut in 24 minutes

Do you take walk-ins?


I don't have a lot of time so I'll make this quick. I'm federal agent Jack Bauer. I have to attend a wedding which takes place in less than 47 minutes. My wife has forced me here to get a haircut before that happens. I need you to cut my hair as fast as you can or my wife will be humiliated in front of hundreds of people.


Shut up lady, I don't care if you were in line in front of me. This is a matter of national security. The wedding is in a church twenty minutes from here. That leaves us exactly 24 minutes for you to clean up around the ears and take a little bit off the top. Can you do that? Please. I don't know what else to do. Thank you.


Just take a quarter inch off the top. Fine. Good. Why are you using the scissors? Just use the god damn buzzer thingy, we don't have a lot of time! I'm sorry for yelling. I'm just under a lot of pressure right now.


Quiet ma'am! Don't distract her! You can talk about your damn cat when this is all over. We have to focus on one thing. Me getting a haircut. That's the only thing that's important right now.


Square or round? What kind of question is that? It's 1:34. We're running out of time!


I don't want to hurt you, but I need you to do exactly as I say. Now just take the razor out of the astringent and shave the back of my head. No, I don't need any shaving cream. Just do it!


Now, take off this smock and step away, slowly. No, I don't want to wash out the cut hair, my suit is blond. It will blend in.


How much do I owe you? What? 20 dollars for just a trim? That's ridiculous. Here, take it. It's just one of the many sacrifices I make on a daily basis. No, keep it. That's yours.


We did it. The problem is neutralized. My wife is appeased. Thank you for all your hard work today. We couldn't have stopped this disaster without the contributions from each and every one of you. Thank you.


Jack steps out and the hair salon blows up.

Jack Bauer attempts to get a haircut in 24 minutes

Do you take walk-ins?


I don't have a lot of time so I'll make this quick. I'm federal agent Jack Bauer. I have to attend a wedding which takes place in less than 47 minutes. My wife has forced me here to get a haircut before that happens. I need you to cut my hair as fast as you can or my wife will be humiliated in front of hundreds of people.


Shut up lady, I don't care if you were in line in front of me. This is a matter of national security. The wedding is in a church twenty minutes from here. That leaves us exactly 24 minutes for you to clean up around the ears and take a little bit off the top. Can you do that? Please. I don't know what else to do. Thank you.


Just take a quarter inch off the top. Fine. Good. Why are you using the scissors? Just use the god damn buzzer thingy, we don't have a lot of time! I'm sorry for yelling. I'm just under a lot of pressure right now.


Quiet ma'am! Don't distract her! You can talk about your damn cat when this is all over. We have to focus on one thing. Me getting a haircut. That's the only thing that's important right now.


Square or round? What kind of question is that? It's 1:34. We're running out of time!


I don't want to hurt you, but I need you to do exactly as I say. Now just take the razor out of the astringent and shave the back of my head. No, I don't need any shaving cream. Just do it!


Now, take off this smock and step away, slowly. No, I don't want to wash out the cut hair, my suit is blond. It will blend in.


How much do I owe you? What? 20 dollars for just a trim? That's ridiculous. Here, take it. It's just one of the many sacrifices I make on a daily basis. No, keep it. That's yours.


We did it. The problem is neutralized. My wife is appeased. Thank you for all your hard work today. We couldn't have stopped this disaster without the contributions from each and every one of you. Thank you.


Jack steps out and the hair salon blows up.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

I am on drugs

I got a bunionectomy on Wednesday. Yeah. I'm a 70 year old woman. I know.

I'd love to say that I've got all kinds of wonderful pain-killers coursing through my thickened veins, but it's not really true. At first, all I had was some tylenol with trace amounts of codeine. But that crap didn't really cut the mustard. Now all I've got is crappy industrial strength ibuprofen. What the fuck happened? I thought when you got surgery you got crazy drugs like vicodine and morphine drips. What is this world coming to when the only prescription I get is for More Cowbell? Bullshit.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Greg at Gotham. Tuesday the 19th. One day before...

Armageddon.

Ok, so I’m not actually predicting a nuclear war decimating the entire human population of North America, nor am I say there will be a major outbreak of the Cordeila virus a la season 3 of 24 (how is Jack Bauer so angry that he can’t talk above a whisper?) No. I am just saying that shit might happen. It might be worldwide. Or it may local. Very local. It may actually be surgery on my left foot to remove a nasty case of bunions. I’m just saying it may be something like that.

So come on down to my favorite Comedy Club and help me celebrate my last days of freedom. I will not be able to grace a stage for the next couple of weeks/months so this is my last hurrah. And it will be a huzzah for all. I’ve got new jokes. All wonderfully hand-crafted and sold at Christmas Tree Shops around the greater New York Area. You’re going to love them. They are SO CUTE! And only $1.99!

  • When: Tuesday, September 19th, 2006, 8pm
  • Where: The NEW Gotham Comedy Club, 208 W. 23rd Street, bet. 7th and 8th
  • What: funny stuff
  • How: Call 212.367.9000 and make a reservation
  • How much: Cover charge is $12 with a 2 drink minimum.

Things you only see on a NYC subway

  • a supermodel-looking woman picking her nose
  • four smelly black man singing barbershop quartet-style
  • a group of teenagers wearing baseball caps backwards and droopy jeans speaking loudly to each other using a gansta form of american sign language (they were really deaf)
  • Dr. Zizmor
  • an old woman reading the bible sitting beside an old man reading the koran
  • a midget listening to his ipod mini